Sleepless in Midland

Barack Obama, wow, isn't he great? -- Tips for addressing your IRS auditor

With so many people and entities being audited these days one needs to remember that there's more to it than simply documenting income and expenses. There's a political element. The hearing this past week in which Acting IRS Commissioner Steve Miller got grilled by Congress about how the IRS targeted Obama's political opponents in order to help with the re-election drove that home. But the IRS is still standing, and they’re doing business as usual.

So if you get audited, herewith are some things you might think about saying to endear you to your auditor:

That Barack Obama, wow, isn't he great?

Did you see Michelle's outfit? She certainly does have good taste!

I wonder which of the two Obama children will be President first.

I'll be glad when Obamacare gets fully implemented so that responsible people like you can take over our medical information.

Historians will say Barack Obama is the greatest president ever!

I didn't like Obama at first, but after hearing him speak, I saw the light.

He sure showed that bin Laden, huh?

When Hillary takes office she'll be the greatest president ever! Aw, silly me, ha ha! She'll be the 2nd greatest president ever!

Just tying to be helpful.

Interview with Jonathan Winters

Jonathan Winters' comedic talent didn't have universal appeal, but he did have fans. However, he was out of the limelight for a long time, and now that he's gone -- well, there goes the comeback.

Sometimes knowing a performer's background provides a little insight into the shaping of the character we saw. And Winters had a background that makes an interesting story.

The way he tells it, his parents didn't like him, and both parents were eager to sign the paper work to get him in the Marines at the age of 17. There he served as one of 75 Marines on board the Navy carrier USS Bonhomme Richard to guard the magazine in case the Admiral went berserk and the Marines had to take over the ship.  They didn't have to.

He got his start doing stand-up comedy while in high school in Springfield, Ohio. He did five and ten minute bits in bars for food. But his real standup started while he was serving on the Bonhomme Richard. He was 19 and known to be a cut-up, and a Naval officer asked him to put on a show for the 2,000 sailors. So he did some sound effects and impersonations, the audience enjoyed it, and something clicked. He realized that maybe he had a talent that could actually lead to something.

Anyway, all this is from a podcast in which Marc Maron interviewed Winters. And there's much more. Click here to go to the download site. Love him or not, it's an interesting story.

What your coffee says about you

Here's a neat chart for the Latte set navel gazers. It's probably as accurate as Astrology, i.e., enough generalizations and pretentiousness to make it halfway believable to those who need it. Source thedoghousediaries.com. Via blameitonthevoices.com.

Notably missing is my favorite: a cup of leftover ordinary coffee gone cold. You're lazy and uncreative. You're very boring and uninspiring. You're too cheap to go to Starbucks. You're as cold as the coffee you're drinking. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Nomophobia -- anxiety caused by no cell signal

Americans are riddled with modern-day afflictions, and new ones come along all the time.

Smart phones were bound to cause a few.  And how we have Nomophobia, or “no mobile phone phobia.” Symptoms include:

obsessive checking, constant worrying about losing it even when it's in a safe place, and never turning it off. According to a recent study from mobile tech company SecurEnvoy, people check their phones 34 times a day on average—and 75% of people surveyed say they take their phones to the bathroom. And nomophobia is apparently on the rise, with 66% of us meeting the criteria for the condition—up from 53% four years ago.

The iZombie in his natural state typically stands in one spot staring at his communication device. Take it away and he's overwhelmed with anxiety, paces about his cage, doesn't eat, looks at the device several time a minute. Once it's returned he resumes the typical iZombie state as if nothing had happened.

Will Hillary go for the low information voter?

Most of us were shocked and awed by reports that President Obama won last November because of a concentration on getting the uninformed voter's vote. One would think that would be a tiny bit embarrassing, but he didn't seem to have any shame about it, though.

But what about some of the high-brow Dems? Don't they feel a little queasy about relying on the dumb guy vote?

This is from The Onion, but there could be some truth to it: I'm Weighing Whether Or Not I Want To Go Through The Hell Of Appealing To You Idiotic, Uninformed Oafs, by Hillary Clinton. Excerpt:

Because when it comes right down to it, I have two choices: Either I spend the next three years of my life investing an enormous amount of time and energy into appealing to the lowest common denominator, or I preserve my dignity, move on with my life, and continue serving the public without completely degrading myself day in and day out for millions of ignorant slobs.

Meanwhile, in an effort to help the low information voter whose shelves are no doubt lined with participation trophies, Sleepless in Midland would like to alert them to a club for those who are too dumb for the smart-people clubs. It's notMensa. Take the test to see if you qualify. Good luck.

Why Joe Biden is so fond of shotguns

Because the sound made when ejecting a shell is the same sound his brain makes when he has an idea.

Joe Biden: buy a shotgun, not an assault rifle, to protect your home.

The bugs (bacteria) on your cell phone

Close up photos of bacteria are usually both fascinating and disturbing. And this is no exception. Dailymail.co.uk has a photo spread showing what was growing in Petri dishes a few days after students were asked to press their mobile phones into them. Click to see the photos.

Disclaimer: Sleepless in Midland assumes no responsibility for nausea, hypochondria, paranoia, contract cancellation, unfriending, or any other situation resulting from looking at the photos.

This is why young men don't want to get married

Some long term thinkers are wondering why the birth rate is declining. That's easy to explain -- young folks can't afford to raise a child. Even easier to explain is why young men don't want to get married. You can find answers at Cracked.com with the number one reason being loss of power.

All right, as true as that might be, this is all just an excuse to pass along to unmarried men this cautionary tale found at the joke site MissCellania:

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out and suspicious. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to invest in only a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?"

"We're going with the granite countertops."

Modern internet romance -- with blackmail

Graham Cluley's headline explains it all so succinctly: Boy meets girl. Girl strips on webcam. Tells boy to do the same. Girl blackmails boy. Who could resist clicking on that one?

Alternate ending: Boy kept gigantic prosthesis handy for webcam stripping. Told girl, go ahead and post it. Boy inundated with romantic offers.

The last curmudgeon standing - on electronic car keys

Don Boudreaux is brilliant. Insightful. Articulate. And no doubt he's an engaging teacher. It's a pleasure to read the letters he sends to newspapers in response to some wrong headed article, letters he dutifully reproduces at his blog.

But here's where I part with him. At the otherwise excellent blog Cafe Hayek he posted praise for the keyless car key -- the little fob that locks and unlocks new car doors and trunks. The one shown in his photograph looks like it belongs to a vehicle from the Toyota family. Oh yeah, they're convenient, all right. But it's just one more thing that can go wrong. Will a big solar flare lock us out of our cars? Will these things still work in 20 years, or in 2032 will replacing broken electronic gadgets in an old car eventually exceed it's resale value?

There was a time when people bought a car, worked on it themselves, and kept it a very long time. Now with all the computer controlled devices a car out of warranty is a ticking time bomb of expensive repairs.

The highlight of my own experience with the electric car fob was when I lost one of the two that came with the car. First, the replacement fob had to be ordered. Then once it arrived, the locks, the new fob and the spare fob had to be reprogrammed so that they all worked together. The lost fob would no longer work on that car, so anyone finding it would have a useless piece of plastic. As it happened, I'm the one who found the lost fob which is currently a useless piece of plastic.

new fob	$208.68
new key	$75.90
freight	$14.00
sales tax	$23.48
reprograming	$110.00
Total bill	$432.06

This is so I don't have to use a brass key or flip a button to manually unlock a vehicle door. Brass keys for the old cars could be duplicated at a nominal cost at any of a number of key duplicating shops and kiosks that used to be everywhere.

We really must be living in a prosperous era if people are employed to invent and manufacture devices so car owners can avoid lifting an arm or twisting a wrist. I suppose that was Mr. Boudreaux's point, but it would seem to say we are getting lazy, too, if we had rather pay extra for an electric motor and a circuit board so that we don't have to move a finger.

So am I the last curmudgeon standing?

Back in my day a guy named Dana Carvey had a popular news commentary where he always made a mighty fine point. And they had the audacity to call him "the grumpy old man." Watch him here and here. Talk about insight, that guy nailed it.

Why, in my day we didn't wear seat belts. When we had a wreck we went sailing through the front windshield, and we liked it!

Internet makes fun of headline - Volunteers needed to help rape victims

Brevity is the soul of wit, or so said Polonius. Be careful, though. Maybe an extra word or two can help eliminate those unintended interpretations.

Oh, how ruthless that internet can be. Photo was found at Criggo.com, TheWhatEver.com and Reddit.com.

Original article with revised headline found here.

It's the space monkey who should be offended

There's someone poised to be offended at every joke. And right on cue here comes someone carping about John McCain who tweet quipped the following:

So Ahmadinejad wants to be first Iranian in space - wasn't he just there last week? "Iran launches monkey into space"

Ha ha. Good one, John. But wouldn't you know it, someone got their feelings hurt and called the joke racist. Link.

On the bright side, maybe a promise to quit making wise cracks could be held out as a carrot to get the Iranians to quit building nuclear bombs. Don't laugh. It couldn't work any worse than sanctions.

Joe Biden demonstrates he too can shoot at skeet

President Obama authorized the release of a photo of him shooting a shotgun to back up a claim that he shoots skeet all the time.

Not to be outdone, Joe Biden released a photo of his own effort to shoot a skeet.

National pie day -- it should be a holiday

Today, January 23, 2013, is National Pie Day. Yeah, let's celebrate!

Here's my personal pie chart.

(Chart concept shamelessly stolen from the 'net.)

Gifts for people you hate

Christmas is just a few hours away, and you've still got that one gift left to buy. You've procrastinated because it's for someone you don't particularly like but nonetheless feel obligated.

Here's the ticket: Gift Guide Roundup: The Best Gifts For People You Hate. (Via Newmark's Door.)

There are some good suggestions there, like a Thighmaster, a book on Scientology, or a self help book on personal flaws.

But the best gift ideas are in the comments, like a drum set for their kids or anything from Yoko Ono Fashions for Men.

Have fun shopping. Don't waste time, you can thank me later.

I bought the ticket, the set belongs to me! -- Kramden vs Norton

"The Honeymooners" just came in as the 2nd funniest TV comedy of all time in at a poll reported by NYPost.com.

One of the cable channels is running the old Honeymooners shows in the early AM, and I've been recording and watching them. And they really are funny. A viewer can actually have some real laughs at those shows, unlike the comedies of today which sometimes don't even earn a smile at their best.

One that played the other night showed how the Kramdens and the Nortons celebrated Ed Norton's birthday. Ralph and Alice took Ed and Trixie out to a movie for the evening. A night at the movies was the cheapest thing Ralph could come up with, and he managed to place all the credit on that decision on Alice. But that just led up to the big joke.

Cut to the movie theater entrance. The foursome exit the theater pushing a big TV set that Ed won by holding the lucky ticket. Since Ralph purchased the tickets his reaction is predictable. But the buildup is true comedic art. You can see Ralph moping around in the background, barely holding back his rage at the unfairness of it all. You can see the joke coming a mile away, but Jackie Gleason's timing is terrific. And they pull off a very funny joke.

Watch it to see if you agree. Youtube link.

What, the end of the world? Again?

On December 21, I think. It's the Mayan calendar, you know. Here's what I don't understand. If the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, how come they didn't foresee their own extinction and do something to stop it?

Another thing. Don't you just hate it when the end of the world is coming up in a week and you've already done your Christmas shopping? Dang.

Village of the Damned plays high school football

Maybe someone who follows West Texas high school football knows the story behind this. Take a look at these two photos from the Midland Reporter-Telegram issues of 11/24/12 and 11/26/12. Notice anything unusual about the players?

All of those young men seem to be sporting blond hair. Is that a coincidence? The odds are against it being a natural phenomenon.

They are identified as Greenwood High School football players, but they look like adolescent kids from the Village of the Damned, minus the scary eyes.

Maybe their mothers were impregnated by one of those fertility doctors who used blond sperm to impregnate his patients. But that's even more unlikely.

Perhaps the boys bleached their hair to intimidate their opponents.  Gorgeous George would be proud.

What they need now is a good Haka dance to really intimidate their opponents, perhaps to the tune of a Beach Boys song. Or they could just use their Village of the Damned powers to cause turnovers. Either way.

[How did you miss Bleach Boys?  Robo-ed.]

In case of fire exit before tweeting about it

Just had to share this.

Is is real?  Found it at HaHaStop.com so it must be.

Sex between biographer and subject -- was that wrong?

Instapundit points to this item from Walter Russell Mead in which he condescendingly explains that a biographer shouldn't have sex with the subject of the biography if the subject is married to someone else.

Sorry, those tired old ethics were repealed during the second Clinton term when we learned that sex, lies and stained dresses were business as usual for busy executives.

It brings mind George Castanza's confusion when accused of having sex with the office cleaning lady. Was that wrong?

As for Paula Broadwell and General David Petraeus, don't-ask-don't-tell was the mantra of the day, but they mistakenly thought it applied to them. Like Castanza's situation, maybe no one told them otherwise.

Sunday diversions -- make old timey mugshot of politicians

There's a neat little do-it-yourself website that lets the user upload a picture of him/herself to morph into an old style mugshot. Seems more appropriate to try it out on the soon to be departing politicians who have dominated out TV screens for the past four years.

Let's start with Bill Clinton.

Can't do Bill without Hillary.

Joe Biden looks good.

And finally, here's Barack Obama. It's OK. But photos of him from the Choom gang days don't even need alteration.

Via MentalFloss.com.

Definitions to help us understanding progressive words and phrases

President Obama is fond of made-up words to deride the man who plans to replace him in the White House. Words like Romnesia. That word doesn't means what Mr. Obama thinks it means. Here's the real meaning: A condition of desperation resulting from looking in your rear view mirror and not seeing your opponent.

This might be a good time to pull up some definitions of the key terms used by Progressive American. Cliff Asness wrote them, and you can see the whole list at the link below. Here are a few to get us started.

Regular Americans
Definition: People who support me.

Special Interests
Definition: People who support you.

The Phrase “Deny Access to…”
Used in a sentence: “It is unfair to deny access to healthcare to 26 year olds living off their parents.”
Definition: When a person isn’t given something they want for free, and they have not found a way to steal it yet, they have been “denied access” to it. In general it is the “1%” that “denies access.” See “1%” below.

The 1%
Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hi-tech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

Universal Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as single payer.

Single payer Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as socialized medicine.

Socialized Medicine
Definition: Something Democrats claim they don’t want, as they simply want Universal Health Care.

See the whole list at Zerohedge.com.

Found here.

British boobs getting bigger

This is huge news. A large UK department store chain called Debenhams revealed that over the past two years the average size of bras sold increased by two or three sizes.

DailyMail.co.uk:

Wales, however, wins the biggest average bra award, with an E-cup being the bestselling size in its stores there. ...

The chain's head of lingerie buying and design, Sharon Webb, said there had definitely been a change.

She said: 'Sales suggest that breasts are bigger than ever before.'

Get a grip on that!

Via Tim Worstall.

Radioactive rods do it deeper

We all know by now that a Halliburton work crew lost a radioactive rod somewhere in the deserts of West Texas. It must not have represented too much of a threat, otherwise some of the many available resources would have been deployed, such as airborne pipeline leak detectors and sniffer drones.

The rod turned up along side of a road between job sites, but it certainly took long enough to find. With newspapers as far away as Britain's Guardian reporting about it it was time to put the Sleepless investigative reporters on the case. And they came back with some reasonable theories about what might have happened to the rod in the interim:

1. Driver used it to warm up his day old Bold Pick of the Day.

2. Wanted to sell it in Iran but TomTom took them to Iraan.

3. Got frightened by news reports and used it as West Nile mosquito repellent.

4. Used it as a glow stick at Cirque Chinois show.

5. Used it to charge a dead truck battery but truck melted.

6. Tried to sell it to Mexican drug cartel but were told, "No mas! No mas! Fast and Furious! No mas!"

Hauling out an oldie for National Empty Chair Day

Naional Empty Chair Day is just crying out for this photo of an Obama yard decoration from sometime around Halloween 2010.

I think a chair containing a stuffed suit should still qualify as empty, don't you?

Quip of the week -- "that's next week"

Back story: Ultra Democrat Chris Matthews got in an argument with some folks at a restaurant in Tampa after the Republican convention. They heckled him as he left. Trying to be clever, he fired a sophomoric jab at them: “What’s this, a douchebag convention?”

He was no match for them. The retort: "... that's next week."

HA HA.  Source.

Poor Chris Matthews. What's going to happen to him and the other anti-Republican commentators at MSNBC if the Republicans take the Presidency, House, and Senate? GE will still be working the crony capitalism angle, so will they continue trying so hard to antagonize people who aren't Democrats?

Newsweek's one term wonders

Someone put together a cute late night mockumercial feeding off of that infamous "Hit the road Barack" Newsweek cover.

Youtube link.

Via Soopermexican.com.

Overheard on 911 call -- "Hide the gun in them woods."

Now here's a crime story ready for the dumb criminals category.

Burglary, trespassing and illegal hunting, these guys were up to no good. A drunken, armed land owner gave chase. Shots were fired. Vehicles were crashed. The burglars called 911. Here's the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department news release:

A Red River County game Warden and two Bowie County game wardens received information about a possible road hunting incident near a residence. The property owner and his wife were outside at the time and after hearing shots, the husband, who had been drinking, jumped into his vehicle and began to chase the hunters. While in pursuit, in an attempt to stop the hunters the man began shooting a pistol out of his window. The man rammed the hunters’ vehicle and in the process flipped his vehicle over and suffered serious injuries. The hunters had called 911 to report they were being shot at. When wardens contacted the suspected road hunters, they denied having weapons and shooting at anything. Unaware that their 911 call had not been dropped as they believed, in the background officials could clearly hear someone say, “hide the gun in them woods,” and “not that far, we’re gonna come back and get it tonight.” After hearing the 911 tape, the three hunters gave statements admitting to shooting at multiple animals from the road that day as well as committing multiple burglaries of habitations and storage buildings in the Dekalb area. Wardens also interviewed the hunters about a year-long investigation regarding the slaying of an 8-point buck last August in Red River County. The hunters admitted to being on the ranch illegally and shooting the buck leaving it to waste. A total of 24 cases were filed on the three individuals. Meanwhile, the overzealous property owner was filed on for DWI and deadly conduct.

Only in Texas my friends.  Only in Texas.

Via.

Noisy Olympic spectators

I really laughed at this. If you've ever attended a sporting event and had to sit near a noisy nuisance maybe you can enjoy it too.

The guy here is supposed to be the King of Sweden, and maybe among royals the need to make noise outweighs any need for common courtesy to the ordinaries.

Found at Yahoo.com.

A ghost in the pants

We hear on occasion how someone spotted an image of a religious icon on a tortilla or something. This is almost as good. It's an image of Charles Laughton's Hunchback of Notre Dame on my pants leg.

The appearance of the religious icons carry a message. Pray harder, quit sinning, do better. Not sure just what Quasimodo is trying to say, though. Stand up straight, maybe.

[Oh come on, that's not happenstance, you shaped that image yourself. Admit it. Robo-ed. No, that's the way the pants fell. If I had shaped the image myself it wouldn't have been Quasimodo. It would have been Barack Obama, Mike Bloomberg, or some of the others who want to put the government in the thick of things. Or better yet, that sexy hurdler who does the shimmy shake before she races. Sleepless.]