Sleepless in Midland

Ninja Road Repair Warriors

Mild mannered citizens by day, Ninja Road Repair Warriors by night -- dressed for success in black Ninja costumes, they sneak into position while the city sleeps. While Batman rids metropolises of criminal vermin, the Ninja Road Repair Warrior fills pot holes.

Blogging neighbor Wallace has reignited Mean Street Kick Ass in a desperate cry for help with a villainous pothole. But the contractors who would do that for the city street department are most likely tied up on other projects. And ordinary potholes may not be serious enough to pull the workers off those other jobs. As most of us eventually discover, many times it's easier to just do something ourselves rather than wait for someone else to do it.

So maybe it's time for some Ninja Road Repair Warriors to slip in late some night, clean the hole, dump in some EZStreet cold asphalt, tamp it down, then make a speedy getaway.

Who were those masked men and women? I dunno, but when they left, that pot hole was filled!

Hillary's advice to Tiger's wife

Hillary Clinton and Tiger Woods' wife have something is common, man trouble. Hillary went through it, and she no doubt has some advice of her own for Mrs. Woods, or Elin Nordegren as she prefers to be known.

Let's imagine what Hillary would say:

A crisis is a terrible thing to waste. Play the victim's role, and you'll be a celebrity in your own right. Oprah's audience will eat it up. Hell, you could even run for office! (Just joking girl, stay out of my game.)

Tiger hasn't peaked yet, and there's still a lot of money yet to be made in this deal. Milk it for all it's worth.

Oh, and learn the words to "Stand By Your Man," and sing it all the way to the bank.

New slogans for Obama's 2012 campaign

President Obama pulled in a lot of votes in 2008 with his focus group tested slogans -- "Hope," "Change we can believe in," "Yes we can," etc. More recent phrases, like "Public Option," haven't been as successful.

So now he's probably stockpiling slogans for the 2012 election. Let's help him out with some bumper sticker suggestions of our own.

Campaign slogans for Obama in 2012:

We didn't waste the last crisis,
We won't waste the next one

Obama 2012 -- the devil you know

More government is better government

They were wrong when they said I would ruin the country. Give me another four years.

Obamanomics -- Gruel in every pot!

You loved me in '08
Can't we still be friends?

He stole your heart in '08
Re-elect Obama and get it back

Four more years
and we'll get it right

Obama Magic -- Will make your job reappear.

Central Planning
Is the plan!
If 'Bama can't do it,
No one can!

Obama -- the American Apologist

It's working in Venezuela

We fooled you once, that's our fault
We fooled you twice, that's your own damn fault,
Wait, wait, that didn't come out right.

Republicans may need some, too. So let's help them out with these:

Yes we can, too.

We're not as bad as Democrats

Give us another chance.
We won't piss it away this time

"Bromance" and other new words

Heard the word "bromance" a couple of weeks ago. Had to look it up.

Oxford doesn't have it, but they've got lots of other good words that are new enough and yet old enough to qualify as "new words," celebutante, mentee, and rendition, for examples.

One has to go to UrbanDictionary.com to get a definition of bromance. I thought it meant a homosexual relationship, but no, the word "Describes the complicated love and affection shared by two straight males."

Then there's nomance -- a romance that is going nowhere.

Also homance. A relationship between a john and a ho, right? Nope. "When 2 straight females have a really close friendship with strong love and affection towards one another. It is like a bromance for females." Okee dokey.

Here's one that is so new it isn't even in the UrbanDictionary. Foemance -- a love hate relationship. Let's see how long it takes for someone to submit it there.

Obama's Chinese fortune cookies

Imoa.us speculates about what Obama's fortune cookies might have said on his trip to China. Sample:

You do good job! Take a bow!

Some of the best ones are in the comments: for example:

Stimulus have more pork than million eggroll

Um, this isn't racism, is it? One never knows.

Top ten ways to tell whether your Army shrink is a Jihadist

Nidal Malik Hasan's brother tells reporters that the good doctor was a "peaceful, loving and compassionate person who has shown great interest in the medical field and in helping others". And yet he went on a killing spree murdering unarmed soldiers at close range.

We here at Sleepless in Midland are also interested in helping others, especially the psychiatry patients who might end up with a doctor like Hasan. The road to recovery might be a little bit shorter if they knew whether their shrink was wacko. So here are some clues Army psychiatry patients should look for.

Top ten ways to tell whether your Army shrink is a Jihadist:

10. His psychiatrist's couch is a bed of nails.

9. Excuses himself to change into something more comfortable, comes back wearing a suicide vest.

8. Says he doesn't want to get in your head, he wants to remove your head.

7. Diplomas on the wall: college, med school, terrorist training camp.

6. Keeps referring to "Commander in Chief Osama, er, I mean Obama."

5. Instead of 12 step program, a 12 gauge shotgun.

4. Can't stop talking about his favorite TV show: "Dancing With the Stars In The Arab Street."

3. On his wall: photos of Freud, Jung, Bin Laden.

2. You try to tell him about your PTSD, he interrupts screaming, "I'm the one with PTSD!"

1. Sign on door: "Gone fishing killing infidels."

Yo 'bama, what should I wear today?

Cute website -- it connects to Weather.com to get your local forecast, then it tells you what kind of clothes you should wear based on the temperature forecast. Just so that you'll know it's trustworthy, the President himself, in caricature, models the clothes.

Obama as weatherman -- You'll know when to change.  Change you can believe in! At ObamaWeather.com.

Via The Daily What.

Not Smarter Than a 5th Grader

The other night a group of local volunteers gathered to celebrate their achievements with a dinner party and entertainment in the form of a game of "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" Question: Were they smarter? Answer: Yes.

Here's a sampling of questions, see how you would do:

1. What are the three states of Matter?
A. Animal, vegetable and mineral
B. Solid, liquid and gas
C. Cash, check or credit
D. Paper or plastic

2. The long bone in the human arm connecting the shoulder and elbow is called what?
A. Humerus bone
B. Funny bone
C. Comical bone
D. Hilarious bone

3. What is the third rock from the sun most commonly called?

4. A doe is a deer, a female deer. What is a ray?

5. Which side of the human heart pumps the blood out to most of the body?
A. Left side
B. Right side
C. Wrong side
D. Down side

6. A moving object tends to continue moving unless something stops it. That's due to:
A. The law of gravity
B. The law of inertia
C. Mother Nature
D. Father Time

Pretty easy, huh? Here are the answers in case they weren't:

1. B. Solid, liquid and gas
2. A. Humerus bone
3. Earth -- In order from the sun the planets are: Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.
4. A ray is a drop of golden sun if you've seen "The Sound Of Music."
5. A. Left side.
6. B. Law of Inertia, also known as Newton's law of motion.

If you get in a situation in which you need to come up some "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" questions there is a show companion book available on Amazon.com -- see image above. It's a good starting point. But the questions are rather dry, so if you hope to get a chuckle they need a little bit of work.

Dear Nigerian Information Minister, sorry about the movie, please to accept this offer

Dear Nigerian Information Minister,

We are sorry to learn from the article titled Nigerian officials: "District 9" not welcome here that you were upset because the movie has a Nigerian antagonist and the main gangster in the movie has a name resembling a former Nigerian President. We wish to offer the most sincere apology, and to prove our sincerity, we wish to make you an offer.

During the course of an auditing last week, we discovered a floating fund in an account opened in the bank in 2006 and since 2009 nobody has operated on this account again, after going through some old files in the records we discovered that the owner of the account died without a [Heir/WILL] hence the money is floating and if we do not remit this money out urgently it will be forfeited for nothing.

The total amount involved is One hundred and sixty million US DOLLARS only [160,000.000.00 DOLLARS ] and we wish to transfer this money into a safe foreigners account abroad. We are revealing this to you with believe in God/Allah that you will never let us down in this business. Please send your private telephone number and fax number including the full details of the account to be used for the deposit. We need your strong assurance that you will never let me down in this business proposition.

No other person knows about this account or any thing concerning it. . .

Acorn got stung - what a hoot!

Did you get a load of the fake pimp's costume?

Most of us have been suspicious of Acorn for a long time, and the few prosecutions against Acorn employees that have come to light in the past several months have cemented those suspicions.

But the funniest thing to hit the net in a long time is the video sting Hannah Giles and James O'Keefe pulled on the community organizers at Acorn. What a hoot! BigGovernment.com is the go-to link for the videos and the story.

But here's what makes me laugh, Mr. O'Keefe's getup. He's dressed like a pimp from Super Fly.  Click on the thumbnail on the right for a larger JPG.

But I don't know, maybe the well dressed pimp is so cool he wears a fur coat on a hot Summer day.

The poor gals at ACORN sure did fall for it. And they fell all over themselves trying to advise the fake pimp and hooker on how to do all sorts of illegal things.  One of them even tells how she shot and killed her husband after laying the groundwork to make her look sympathetic.  Lordy Lordy, it must be hard to get smart help at a taxpayer robbing community organizing hangout these days.

At least some of our Congress people are finally considering cutting off the flow of tax dollars to this motley group.

Who could have taken this handgun?

It's almost funny, but hopefully it's a hoax -- a small town police chief loses his handgun and cell phone from his car while it was being washed by prisoners.

Items like this circulate among emailers and end up posted on websites. This one was found at Criggo.com with the title "Duh!" Here's the text:

COLUMBUS -- Columbus Police Chief Billie Pickens lost a handgun and cell phone from his patrol car while it was being washed by prisoners at the local training center.

The incident occurred Friday.

The gun, a Smith & Wesson ...

It looks like a real newspaper clipping, but it could have been easily photoshoped.  And the story itself wasn't verifiable, at least with a mild search engine effort.

But there's a real lesson here. Don't leave anything of value in your car or there's a risk it won't be there when you get back.

P.S. Don't leave your handgun on top of the car either. Here's one that really did happen -- Dude, Where's my Glock (part 2).

Van Jones calls Republicans A__holes. Can't we all be A__holes?

Watch the video of former Obama Czar Van Jones calling Republicans A-holes, listen to the audience cheer, and it really shines sunlight on the attitude that Mr. Obama brought to the White House. If someone doesn't agree with Mr. Obama then there is something wrong with them.

Stereotyping people, lumping them into a group, and disparaging them with an insulting label is politically correct as long as it isn't racial. But I don't think Mr. Jones really meant to single out Republicans. The question to which he was responding asked why Democrats couldn't get the things they want passed into law. Mr. Jones focused on Republicans, however the problem for Team Obama is much broader than that.

There are independents, libertarians, moderates, TEA Party marchers, Town Hall attendees, Republicans, Democrats and many others who don't like the direction President Obama is trying to lead the country.

So let's share the wealth. Can the rest of us be A-holes, too? I love the way Mike Wallace and others defend themselves when they are tagged with a "liberal" label. If liberal means caring for the little guy, then I'm a liberal, says Wallace. Define the insult your own way and come out smelling like a vat of freshly distilled French perfume.

Let's play the Van Jones game but with Mike Wallace's rules and Jeff Foxworthy's style.

If you think the country should be more like the America of old than the Venezuela of new, then you might be an A-hole.

If you disapprove of the government sticking its thumb in every pie, then you might be an A-hole.

If you need surgery and the government will only give you a pain pill, then you might be an A-hole.

If you wouldn't want Van Jones on your death panel, then you might be an A-hole.

If you think the money you earn is your own, then you might be an A-hole.

If you think government shouldn't be able to take away your land just because they think another owner will bring in more tax revenue, then you might be an A-hole.

If you think neither the Democrats nor the Republicans in Congress are doing a good job, then you might be an A-hole.

So Mr. Jones, if that's an A-hole, then yes, I'm an A-hole and proud of it.

Beavis and Butthead do a movie commercial

Remember Beavis and Butthead? Their animated antics entertained TV audiences across the land as their lack of intelligence compensated for hormonal imbalance. There was a time when they were the scourge of every parent, and they took the blame for destroying western civilization and corrupting the youth of America. Then all of a sudden they were gone from the airways leaving behind reality shows to fill the void.

Anyway, B&B are back, albeit briefly, to advertise Mike Judge's new movie "Extract." Watch Film Forum with Beavis and Butthead as the pair do a movie review with a world view and word play that had parents pulling out their hair not so long ago.

How did Mike Judge draw those two out of retirement to make this commercial? He really must have some influence.

Via Collider.com.

Spam, Spatter and Spews

In an article about a new Australian anti-spam law, Paul Ducklin at Sophos blog gives us some great new appellations:

SPIT - spam using internet telephony
SPIM - spam over instant messaging
SPASMS - spam via SMS
SPATTER - spam via Twitter
SPEWS - spam through electronic web submissions.

He calls them acronyms, but that's no reason to quibble when the material is so full of richness.

Bloggers are well aware of SPEWS, those sneaky advertisements disguised as innocent comments left at blog entries. C-SPAM perhaps?

Modern math equations

Hello class, today's math lesson involves real life situations that can be solved by simple math equations. Or if not solved, they can at least be explained.

Here are a few equations to ponder:

Car Alarm = the boy who cried wolf + amplification

Military coup = recall - election

Trick or treat = Extortion + Oh, isn't that cute?

Black eye = eye + story

So you see, life and math are so conjoined that each experience is a mathematical equation. To get a peak at the teachers edition from which these examples came, go to MoreNewMath.com.

Top 100 funniest one-liners on the internet

Here's a sampling ...

#2 Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

#10 If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

#21 If sex is a pain in the neck, try another position. [Lightly edited.]

#22 A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.

#44 The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

#90 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

...and here's the link.

Flutter, the new Twitter

Does Twitter take too long for your busy schedule? Try Flutter with the 26 character limit.

Watch the micro-mentary on Youtube. And yes, Flutter is on Twitter, too.

FAQ: Is it a joke? Yes.

Via A Welsh View.

Top Ten Comeback Lines for Michael Vick

Poor old Michael Vick, he did the crime, he did the time, and now wants a job. It's a dilemma every ex-con probably faces. Can people be rehabilitated? Society has to decide whether or not to let him back in.

So if he goes back to pro football -- he signed with the Philadelphia Eagles -- he can probably handle himself physically, but he's sure to draw some trash talk from opposing players. Is he ready for that? Let's imagine what his top ten comeback lines would be:

10. "I can't take you seriously when you're tail is wagging."

9. "Yo momma carries your dog in her purse."

8. "You ain't so tough. You couldn't even lick my weakest dog."

7. "I'd pet you if you would just stop sniffing my butt long enough."

6. "Go suck a bone, Benji."

5. "Hey, did you slip out of your leash?"

4. "Get someone to pick up that turd you just laid."

3. "You'd need a muzzle if you still had your own teeth."

2. "Whasa matter? Flea collar too tight?"

1. "Do you feel that gnawing on the inside? Worms."

Bonus: "I hope to hell Letterman hasn't already done this."

Superheroes battle the recession - Photo links

Some great photos at the links, all with the theme: Superheroes suffer in recessions, too.

Batman does windows;

Spidey senses say take a smoke break;

Will fight giant monsters for food;

EXTREME piggy-back rides £1 (click through to #3).

Missing in action:

Iron Man collecting aluminum cans;
Spiderman spraying for mosquitoes;
Batman dusting the belfry;
Bruce Banner teaching anger management;
Superman peddling Viagra.

Obama condoms

YES! YES! YES WE CAN!

From the incomparable Art of Obama we learn that some enterprising entrepreneurs are selling "Obama Condoms." Original photos found at Michael's Film Pix's photostream.

Best check the expiration date.

For STD treatment see your Obamacare provider.

He's Barack Obama, come to save the day

Great new video from JibJab:

"When darkness had descended
all across the land,
A lone voice in the distance uttered
'Yes, we can!' "
...
He's Barack Obama
he's come to save the day!

It's so refreshing to find someone not afraid to poke fun at "The One." Watch this hilarious parody at Youtube.

In the meantime JibJab fans can learn how they did it at the JibJab blog. Given that it takes them three months to put one together, this action-hero-Obama was very timely as the real Obama waits patiently for a winner to emerge in Iran.

Fidel's kid falls for fake chica

Some guys can't get lucky even if they're privileged sons of a ruthless dictator.

Poor Antonio Castro Soto del Valle, son of Fidel Castro, just can't catch a break. According to the story, Cuban-born Luis Dominguez figured out what kind of woman would interest Antonio, adopted that guise, then hooked up with him on a social networking site. Miami Herald has the story:

''Guess where I am and I will make love to you without stopping,'' Antonio Castro Soto del Valle, Fidel's son and physician for the Cuban national baseball team, reportedly wrote ''Claudia'' during a January trip to Russia with his uncle Raúl. . . .

First, he worked out a profile of the kind of woman the 42-year-old Castro apparently prefers. Domínguez looked at photos of Castro's current and former girlfriends, then created a ''virtual woman'' to fit the mold -- Claudia Valencia (very common names in Colombia), a 26-27 year old brunette with blond highlights and a sports journalist who, like Antonio, follows soccer and technology.

Antonio lives the high life, and he's unlikely to get much sympathy from the Cubans who have been kept poor by daddy. Happy Father's Day, Fidel.  And Tony, next time maybe you'll have better luck with those 1-900 phone sex lines.

Via Graham Cluley who warns that less high profile computer users could be similarly vulnerable.

In the classified ads

Free ammo for eight bucks! it's either the first sign of the much hyped hyperinflation or the result of a severe ammo supply shortage.

In any event, the whole world has turned upside down, I tell ya. By golly when I was your age "free" meant two-fifty, tops.

What this country needs is more euphemisms

Homeland Security Czarista Napolitano recently informed us that the word "terrorism" will be replaced with the phrase "man-caused disasters." Why stop there?

By way of a Shire Network News podcast we are provided with a top nine list of these masterpieces of the bureaucratic mindset. Alas, the author of these gems, Doug Payton, has them posted at Considerettes, to wit:

9 - The term "tax cuts" will now be called "Unamerican Activities".
8 - "Paycheck Bonus" shall become "A Congressional Oversight".
7 - "Disagreeing with President Obama" will now be called "Racism".
6 - "Affirmative Action" will be replaced with "Universal Diversity Adjustment".
5 - "Financial Collapse" shall now be known as "Republican Party Evil Master Plan".
4 - "Supporting Israel’s right to exist" will now be called "Racism".
3 - "Militant Islamists" are to be referred to as "Misunderstood Peaceniks".
2 - "Western Civilization" will now be called "Racism".
1 - "Socialism" will henceforth go by the name "Capitalism".

The Somali Cruise - sort of like a safari

Turn the table on pirates on this unusual cruise:

We sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates. We encourage you to bring your 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons of your own, you can rent them on the boat.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar
We offer a mounted Mini-Gun

Read more at Somali Cruises. Is it real? Nope.

Via linkfilter.

You kids get off of my lawn!

Remember Dana Carvy's grumpy old man? "When I was your age seat belts were for sissies. When we had a car wreck we flew right through the front windshield, and we liked it!"

Well, meet Donald Mills, the crabby geezer who writes The problem with young people today is .... He nails them where it hurts: the piercings, the G__ D___ cursing, or most recently, the video games. Sample:

Well I have news for them. They may be able to throw a 50 yard pass on the “Madden Football,” and kill a man with their bare hands on the “Splinter Cell” but turn the games off and these young people would be hard pressed to pick their own noses without an instruction manual, cheat codes and parental assistance.

The only positive is it keeps them off the streets and out of the way of decent old folks out for a Sunday stroll.

Funny stuff. But Mr. Mills is probably some young whipper snapper just teasing his contemporaries while reinforcing the old timer stereotype at the same time.

More realistic advice comes our way via linkfilter, and it's etiquette advice for people 25 and over. The post is four years old so the advice to "Take your headphones off while interacting with clerks and passersby," needs updating -- hint, cell phones. Otherwise the advice still rings true.

Finally, to get those kids off the lawn try the Sonic Nausea. (Use indoors at your own risk.)

President Obama's rose colored glasses

"The U.S. will remain a super power;
The national debt is under control;
The U.S. is a good credit risk;
Taxes will fall;
There is no hyperinflation risk;
Our enemies love us.
Hey, I want every American to get
a pair of these rose colored glasses!"

[Photo credit: Pete Souza.]

More White House photo fun

President Obama believes that his conversational skills will deter enemies. Here he talks with a pirate.

Notice: Each time I've used photos from the White House Flickr site the guidelines for use of the photos had been changed, however I've followed them as they were at the time. They've changed again, and now they don't want any manipulation of the photos. I believe these photos belong to the people. But to accommodate them anyway, I've avoided adding anything to the photo itself.  Furthermore, to avoid any doubt, I do not suggest approval or endorsement from the President, the First Family, or the White House. Link to the photo.

"Obama tells a joke" -- the cartoon

Here's the setup: After a successful performance at the White House Correspondents' Dinner, President Obama tries to tell a joke on his own. Click here to watch it at Goanimate.

Obama tells a joke

Goanimate makes it very easy for those of us who can't draw to make cartoons. But I'm not sure snarky political jabs like this one fit very well in that community, so I'm looking for alternatives.

Those White House Photos were begging for captions

The Barack Obama White House is giving supporters what they may want the most: more photos of Barack Obama. There's an Official White House Flikr site where you can see dozens of photos of President Obama and which raise the question: Does Obama select which photos go on that site or does he delegate that to someone else? Before we tag him with a narcissist label let's remember that he is only giving star struck fans what they want, and it's not as bad as the Hugo Chavez TV show.

There are short descriptions of the scenes at the website, but there's no transcript or dialogue available to know what the people were saying and thinking. And those photos were just begging for captions.  As you know, I just want to help.

If some of the jokes seem a little crude, I don't know how those got there.

 

 

 

The photo of the janitor was snapped by Chuck Kennedy, but the rest were snapped by Pete Souza, and they are official White House photos all. See the original unmolested photos at the Official White House Flikr site.