Sleepless in Midland

The Urban Explorer ventures into the unknown.

Urban Explorer here, ready to tackle the unknown territories. Today's adventure takes us to a colony in North Midland County, Texas, where a tribe of people live on the fringes of a metropolitan city. Extensive internet research yielded the location of this isolated colony, and a special thanks goes to brave pioneers Eric and his mate who have taken up residence there and are living among the natives. He exposed this colony to the modern world with aerial photos at his blog.

Thanks to the information provided at that site, the Urban Explorer was able to navigate his way to the wilderness outpost although he was not adventurous enough to try to locate our pioneering friend. However, we do hope that said friend is able to keep his guard up out there in the wild.

To explore this area one needs to head North from the city on "A" street and pass what could be either a CIA rendition facility, or a gated community. Do the inmates there have Habeas Corpus rights? Never mind, let's not get distracted.

First, some ground rules. The Code of the Urban Explorer is extensive, but here are four important rules: (1) don't interfere with the cycle of life; (2) avoid encounters with a female and her young; (3) steer clear of man eaters of any species; and (4) always assume that natives are not cannibals unless there is evidence to the contrary.

So here we are at the edge of the known world, and the road leads to two watering holes one of which has a nice creek flowing into it. And you will be pleased to know that it is a very pleasant and reasonably safe experience hiking along that babbling brook.

The brook feeds into a pond, and the clever natives have constructed a pumping system which apparently recycles the pond water back into the stream to keep it flowing. The stream is lined to prevent the thirsty earth from sucking up all the water.

They've stocked the stream with tiny fish as cute as snail darters. But don't let your guard down, those little swimmers could grow into giant man eating leviathans.

Our journey continues. Along the creek path the Urban Explorer encounters a native human female adult with two children. The Code dictates caution when encountering females with their young, so try to appear non-threatening, and maybe they won't attack. These particular natives don't appear threatened or threatening. They were, however, being stalked by a meat eating canine which was following close at their heals. It's sad sometimes, but the Urban Explorer cannot interfere with life's cycles. Not to worry, though, because this canine was not much bigger than a large shoe.

As the Urban Explorer followed the meanderings of the creek he felt eyeballs staring at him, and sure enough, there was a trio of subterranean creatures watching every move. Walk softly so as not to antagonize these creatures as there is no telling to what lengths they will go to protect their young. Take little comfort in the knowledge that they may not be man eaters as those sharp teeth can bite through pecan hulls.

Continuing down the path we encounter a giant spider stalking a much smaller insect. Such is the cycle of life, and we cannot intervene. And so our journey ends.

It was a pleasant experience, one that maybe you can experience too. Enjoy the outdoors, be safe, and remember the Code.

Urban Explorer out.

Note to readers. Many of you consider these efforts at humor to be lame, unfunny and possibly even offensive. And to you I would like to offer my most sincere apology but also note that there will be no refunds.

However, there are a few out there who actually do appreciate these efforts. And I would like to address you at this time, and specifically, make some generalizations about you. You are smart, creative, unconventional, and have a very good sense of humor. You are active, you are fun to be around, and you are probably successful at everything you attempt. The world needs you. Thanks for all that you do, and keep up the good work.

Animal photos faked

I ran across a this CBC article titled Cruel Camera - Fakery in Wildlife Documentaries about how many documentary wildlife scenes are faked . (Via Skepchick.)

Our old friend Bear Grylls gets mentioned for trucking in "wild mustangs" for him to try and capture in one of his adventures. Regular readers may remember Mr. Grylls getting the grill on these pages. See The Wild Won and Bear Grylls up to his old tricks, inside.

Anyway, back to the CBC article, it contains this sentence: "Sir David Attenborough is accused of staging a confrontation between himself and a cobra in a South African desert for his new BBC series, Life in Cold Blood." It's hard to get a wild animal to do what you want it to do, much less a reptile, so it's little wonder that the filmmakers try to make it happen anyway. But hey, is this a closed shop or can anyone get in on this? Let's see what we can find in the old scrapbook.

For starters here's the wrong way to approach a deadly diamondback. He crept up on the snake, slowly, slowly, hoping to get as close as possible without getting bitten. The snake was coiled and ready.  And as the guy moved his hand closer and closer his heart was pounding.  He held his breath. Then SNAP!

The picture was taken. We needn't have worried about a bite as the snake was a freeze dried specimen purchased just moments earlier and set out in that dusty parking lot for the scene you see here.

This next set shows a boa constrictor about to tighten his deadly grip, strangle and then swallow a human whole. But the outcome has a twist. It's just a sight gag, but it fits, sorta.

Three presidential contenders walk into a bar

Clinton:  "Gimme a shot 'n a beer."

Obama:  "I'll have a glass of your finest Chardonnay."

Clinton:  "I hear 08 is a good year, [smirking] or is that your bowling score?  HA HA HA HA!" [cackling]

Obama:  "Duck!  Get down!  Sniper fire!  Oh wait, never mind.  That was just a cloud of deceit hanging over your head."

Clinton:  "Aw, why so bitter?  Is it bad wine, or is that just the taste of defeat?"

Obama:  "Yeah right, it must hurt to see the African American vote waving good bye."

McCain:  "Uh, can I just have a glass of Geritol, please?  No ice?"

Bill Clinton eclipsed

It happened here last week.  One night we had a lunar eclipse, and the next day, some 15 or so hours later, former president Bill Clinton was in Odessa campaigning for his wife.

Now you might expect some clever, funny joke comparing Bill Clinton with the lunar eclipse:

"A celestial body once shiny and bright grew dim and lifeless as it drifted into the shadow.  And the night before there was a lunar eclipse."

But no.  Here you get jokes that are unclever and unfunny at the same time.

Who would wear the pants in a Clinton White House?

Hillary said it:  "There's no doubt who will wear the pants suit in the White House!"  And a cheer of female voices rang out.

She meant that she would wear the pants and not Bill Clinton, but was that good strategy?  It brings to mind an image of Bill Clinton with no pants on.  We learned in the 90's that many people tolerated or even desired a pantless Bill Clinton.  And here she is reminding us of that once again.

But this is one of the reasons why I hope Hillary gets the Democratic nomination.  I don't think she would be good for the country, but it would be a gift for bloggers.  The satire would write itself.

Science for Celebrities

Ya gotta love the Brits.  The optimism.  The willingness to help.  Here comes a British charitable outfit that has set out to help educate celebrities so that they don't say dumb things in public.  It's Sense About Science.  Excerpt:

People in the public eye are often drawn into promoting theories, therapies, and campaigns that make no scientific sense. This leaflet shows how easily some mistakes could have been avoided. Now it’s possible to check the facts before going public. Hundreds of scientists from many fields are available to help you get it right for the public. It costs a phone call.

In the first week of January 2007, we released Sense About… Science for Celebrities, a leaflet that was elegantly abridged by the Sun: ‘Profs rap dim stars’! Download the leaflet (pdf) and read about Madonna’s, Joanna Lumley’s and Chris de Burgh’s brushes with nuclear physics, oncology and physiology.

It's just a phone call away.  Rosie?  Whoopie?  Got that number?

Via Blowing Smoke.

Dear Zabby

Al Jazeera announced that Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Qaeda's jurnior leader, is willing to answer questions:

"Anyone who would like to ask him a question must be concise and precise," a statement published on December 16 by media outlets As-Sahab and Al-Fajr said.

People are invited to pose questions to al-Zawahiri in writing via the two websites before January 16 and both media organisations and individuals are welcome to take part, it said.

The Sleepless headquarters was fortunate enough to get a peak at a CIA leak of some of those questions and answers.  Caution, they have not been edited or censored.

----

Dear Zabby I'm an attractive middle aged woman loyal to radical Islam, and I wear the full dress covering constantly, praise Allah.  The clothes I have to wear cover everything but my eyes.  So here's the problem.  My husband's younger wives get all of his attention because I have huge bags under my eyes.  So how can I get my husband to notice me?  Eye Full in Afghanistan.

Dear Eye Full , Praise Allah enough and you shouldn't have to worry about the other wives.  For you, 20 lashes.  For your eye bags, Preparation H.  Zabby.

Dear Zabby , I'm a suicide bomber in training, and my instructor can't answer all of my questions.  I'm in it for the 72 virgin babes, but once I blow myself up and get my heavenly reward, how can I be sure they are all virgins?  Also, how come it's always us grunts who end up with the suicide vest and not you guys at the top.  Ready to Blow.

Dear Ready, You will know that they are virgins because Osama and I say they are virgins.  This is a field in which you are very inexperienced, and rest assured that they are virgins because we have declared them to be.  For your second question, Osama and I must remain on Earth because we have been delegated the task by Allah to lead you bums.  So stop asking these silly questions and tell your team leader that your education is complete and to put you in the next suicide mission immediately!  No more questions!  No more questions!  Zabby.

Consultants advise MDC to start blog

That was the headline of an MRT article today which tells us that is the method the Midland Development Corp. consultant proposed to counter criticism from a local blog, presumably Jessica's.

Well, blogging isn't as easy as it looks.  It's not just a bunch of words, there are all of those periods, commas and apostrophes, too, not to mention -- gasp -- dashes.  Don't try this at home.

Unless some MDC member already had a hankering to do it then they would probably have to hire someone to write it.  So here's a suggestion:  Outsource:  Instead of starting a blog from scratch, the cash rich MDC could simply pay a bounty to the other local bloggers.  Here's a suggested pay scale:

A positive article about the MDC  -- $500;
An article bashing  Jessica -- $500; and
One both praising the MDC and bashing Jessica -- $1,000.

It could qualify as a code 51 local incentive.

Hey, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Modern day maladies

The English language is in a constant state of evolution in this digital age, and our lexicons need to be continuously updated.  Cell phones, digital televisions, new products, new medications and all other forms of new stuff have created new symptoms, maladies and conditions, all in desperate need of a name.

So to assist in this endeavor, here are some of those new conditions, with names, to wit:

Cellulard -- Accumulation of fat cells in the posterior due to physical inactivity, especially calling on the cell phone to someone in the next room rather than walking to them.

Tele-phony -- That stranger who looks right at you and talks as if you are a friend but instead is talking to someone else on a hands free phone.

Digital divide -- You're still  married, but you haven't looked at your spouse since you got high definition television.  Syn: digital divorce.

Phone drunk -- Inattentive driving while talking on the cell phone.

Viagra Full Monty - That four hour predicament the commercials warned about.

Carpal tunnel channel changer - Aching hand from constantly flipping to different channels with the remote.

Celliflower ear -- An ear deformity resulting from excessive cell phone usage.  Similar to cauliflower ear.

DVT-TV -- Deep vein thrombosis due to sedentary tv watching.  The couch potato disease.

Lead head -- Diminished brain capacity due to chewing on Chinese lead painted toys.

Toll Road Cookies -- Tiny bits of data left in your brain each time the state public relations team tries to convince you that toll roads are a good thing.  A  propaganda byproduct.

I-gotist -- An egotist flaunting his I-phone before learning that he overpaid for it.

A guy's guide to public restrooms

One of the big news items of the day is the revelation that Sen. Larry Craig had pled guilty to some charge related to foot and hand gestures allegedly made in a public men's room.  So apparently there are men out there who don't know the unwritten code of conduct in public restrooms.

A review is in order.

Once you enter a public restroom don't talk to anyone.  If an acquaintance tries to start a conversation, ignore them.  If  you can't ignore them, at least control the topic of conversation and never talk about anything but football, baseball or basketball.  Soccer may be acceptable in some jurisdictions.

Don't make eye contact, and don't look at any body parts other than your own.  Don't wear dark glasses, because others won't know that you aren't looking at them.  Dark glasses might be acceptable if you are carrying a white cane.

Now the most important part.  If you are sitting in a stall and someone in the adjacent stall tries to play footsie with you, zip up and get out!  Don't say "May I help you?", "Excuse me?" or anything else that might be construed as friendly banter or else you could be be arrested for soliciting, or worse, solicited.  Don't be rude or you might get arrested for disorderly conduct.  Simply evacuate the premises as fast as you can.  You've stepped in a trap, and the only thing you can do is try to get out before the jaws slam shut.

Finally, homework.  Watch this youtube video titled Male Restroom Etiquette which dramatizes rules of the men's room in a very eloquent and instructive manner.  Consequences of rule violations are probably more localized than depicted, however.

Sunday Amusement - VW bug gets shredded

Click the youtube link to watch a 1974 VW Bug get fed into a shredder.

It's sort of a short story:  Hippie parks his VW in the company president's spot.  Company pres gets mad. Fork lift operator puts the VW into a mobile shredder, and there she rips.

History has not been kind to the flower children.

Via YouTube Top Videos of Month.

It's not you, it's meat.

And now we learn there's yet another reason to get rejected.

It's the results of a survey in New Zealand which purports to reveal a prejudice against meat eaters.   Excerpt from Carnivore sex off the menu:

Many female respondents described being attracted to people who ate meat, but said they did not want to have sex with meat-eaters because their bodies were made up of animal carcasses.

This would never have happened in old Zealand.

Via Pajamas Media.