Sleepless in Midland's highest paid reporter was scrounging for breakfast in the dumpster near city hall this morning when she discovered a discarded memo from the Colorado River Authorization Protocol to the mayor. Since it was in the garbage we can assume it's public information. So here it is in full:
To: Mayor, City of Midland
From: Colorado River Authorization Protocol
Date: September 27, 2011
Re: Midland is using too much water
The drought situation has us all concerned, and some of you have been using too much water. In that regard, we would like to offer suggestions for some new rules to help you get your citizens in line, as follows.
If your clothes smell fresh, you are using too much water. If you raise public awareness that body odor is OK people will quit wasting water washing clothes. Failing that, you could purchase trained dogs for your Code Enforcers to sniff crowds at the mall and other public gatherings for citations and fines.
Furthermore, citizens should end their use of showers and minimize their use of bath tubs. One tub of water per week should be sufficient for a family of four in the summer. One tub per month in the winter.
In California some years back there was a popular slogan regarding flushing toilets. "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." We are definitely opposed to that. All toilet flushing should be illegal. And we propose a new slogan:
"If it's yellow, water the flowers. If it brown, bury it in the ground."
Young people are always looking for unique phrases, and we believe this slogan should catch on quickly.
We feel that these proposals will result in significant water conservation. And if your citizens don't comply we will simply shut off your water.
We're from the government, and we're CRAP.
And there you have it. Straight from the dumpster to your monitor.
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