Sleepless in Midland

Jimmie JJ Walker's joke during the Rodney King riots still rings true

Sometime after the Rodney King riots and looting of stores in Los Angeles JJ Walker was doing a stand-up routine on a late show. It went something like this:

"On the third night no one was on the streets. You know why they weren't out, don't you? They were all home trying to hook up their new VCRs."

Funny stuff. His joke rang true because of a widespread feeling that those looters were less motivated by a desire for revenge or justice as much as they were by the desire to get free stuff.

As TV screens fill with sights of ransacked stores in Minneapolis we are reminded that for the looters, vandals, and rioters justice really isn't the prime motivator.

Dyn-o-mite!

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3:26 PM 5/29/2020

The fashionable shopper -- Spring 2020 edition

The in look this Spring will be conscientious, practical and sophisticated, with a just a hint of the stealth with these fashionable accessories.

Dress for success!

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1:30 PM 4/5/2020

Quote of the week, Adam Carolla: "This is our safe space!"

Adam Carolla has a podcast which is almost always informative and entertaining. The other day his podcast website had a scan of a page that quoted him. The Carolla webpage can be found here.

*Carolla Combats Cancel Culture -
Adam Carolla, podcast juggernaut and veteran roaster since taking on Hugh Hefner in 2001, made damn sure his closing remarks were among the boldest of the evening. “If I can rant for just one minute here,” he began before nodding to Baldwin. “You’re a great sport. You have a great sense of humor — unlike the social-justice warriors who are going to be out there tweeting that all the jokes are problematic. You people can [expletive deleted], you [expletive deleted]! This is a goddamn roast! Comedians need a place where they can be offensive without your bullshit fake outrage, you hashtag heroes! You already ruined the Oscars! You’re all woke and no joke! So if you were offended by anything said tonight, please give a reach-around to your emotional-support dog and shut the [expletive deleted] up! This is our safe space, [expletive deleted]!”

Now there's a comedian who doesn't isn't afraid of the social justice mob.

*The language above has been cleaned up a bit. However, to see the original quote click here or here.

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4:50 PM 9/14/2019

Joke of the week - Bernie walks into a bar

Bernie Sanders walks into a bar and yells... “Free drinks for everyone!” looks around and says “Who’s buying?”

(thanks SM)

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3:41 PM 5/4/2019

Funny Sunday -- a brief diversion from the real world

Here's a nifty little posting at Bored Panda: 25+ Hilarious Food Memes. A couple of appetizers:

 

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2:11 PM 10/27/2018

Quote of the week ending 10-13-18

This was extracted from a letter to the Wall Street Journal editor published in the 10/12/2018 print edition. Describing how he overcame the guilt feeling of living in a generation of citizens who quietly tolerated the increased government debt levels, Stephen Borkowski of Pittsburg, TX, makes this bumper sticker suggestion:

I'm driving my Democratic kid's future earnings.

Yeah. It was hard to feel too much guilt after watching the young'uns go ga-ga over Obama.

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1:09 PM 10/13/2018

Moonlighting as a butler -- article in WSJ

This has to be cutest article I've read all weekend. Jim Ross wanted something to contribute to a charity auction and hit on the idea of selling his services as a butler in the style of the butler in “Downton Abbey.” It was a hit, and he continued doing it. See A Butler Will Serve You Right. Here's an excerpt:

All I had to do was imitate Carson’s mannerisms: low and melodic voice, precise and measured movements, deferential and modest approach.

It worked. I served iced tea to ladies at a wedding shower, greeted the membership at a Kiwanis Club luncheon, and poured champagne for revelers at an 80th-birthday party. I butlered a “celebration of life” for a woman who died young. I ironed newspaper pages, flattening out the wrinkles, while on air with a local radio host. (Your newspaper pages haven’t been pressed? The horror!)

I even made an appearance at the state prison north of town, regaling inmates with tall tales of James the Butler’s professional background. It was a huge hit. Eat your heart out, Johnny Cash.

What a hoot!

His day gig is as managing editor of the local newspaper.

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3:13 PM 7/14/2018

Comey the comedian found something to be ashamed of

Former FBI Director James Comey made some colossal mistakes, and yet he profits from a book tour touting his own defense.  The joke is on the American people.

And here's an interesting take: Former FBI chief James Comey jokes that he wanted to tell custom agents he was Canadian because he's 'disgusted and ashamed of what the Trump administration is doing to immigrant children'.

He should have let his ghost writer write the jokes. Of all the things he should be ashamed of, he chose immigration. He may as well circulate Democrat talking points. He did his best to stop Trump and passed that dubious job along to others at the FBI. And now he's ashamed of the Trump administration. Boy, what comical a character.

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12:44 PM 6/24/2018

Not exactly a dream team candidacy -- Comey and Stormy -- except to bloggers

Well, this is America where anyone can do anything. And in theory, anyone can run for president.

So here we are over two years away from from the next presidential election, and as if out of the woodwork, we have Jim Comey and Stormy Daniels both hinting they might run.

Don't take it from me. See 'Should I Run for President?': Stormy Daniels Mulls over Tossing Her Hat in the Ring Someday and James Comey feeds the rumor he's running for president in 2020.

What a gift to bloggers that would be.

'merica. Where anything can happen.

Donald Trump is nothing if not inspirational.

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1:23 PM 6/17/2018

Graffiti at Russian Embassy in London -- poisonous pen makes a funny point

In most cases graffiti is simple vandalism by people who can't really create anything. There are certainly some exceptions, though. Some of them are quite creative. And some make point: And here's an example of graffiti that makes a point and gets a laugh:

One would guess that the customer is expected to pay before the food arrives.

This comes to us by way of Dailystar.com in Novichokolate from Putin? Graffiti irony near Russian embassy tackles nerve attack.

Yum!

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5:33 AM 3/17/2018

Probably fat geeks and butt dialing -- Apple repair shop making 20 911 calls a day

I envision the fat gamer from the "South Park" episode who thwarted the boys in a medieval online war game. He grabs a snack and sits on one of the phones strewn around a cluttered shop.

Anyway, here's the headline: Since October, Apple Has Made Around 1,600 False Alarm 911 Calls From Elk Grove Facility.

It's an Apple repair and refurbishing center shop in Elk Grove, California, and the calls originated from Apple devices starting about four months ago. And nobody know why.

OMG! It's poltergeists! This isn't a job for the local police. Call Sculley! Call Mulder!

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3:14 PM 3/6/2018

You wouldn't know it from watching the late shows, but there are some conservative comedians out there

The problem is that there doesn't seem to be much of a market for them. The networks don't want them. College circuits reject them, and comedy clubs are afraid of the social media mobs.

David Letterman drove most conservative viewers away from the late shows, and now they are dominated by progressives who rail against conservatives and Donald Trump, especially. Jeff Mordock provides some examples in Conservatives get canceled, liberals quit laughing: How Trump’s election killed comedy:

The tectonic shift left is not just in comedy clubs’ brick walls but in our living rooms. Johnny Carson’s middle-of-the-road political comedy has been replaced with Stephen Colbert (host of CBS’ “The Late Show”), John Oliver (host of HBO’s “Last Week Tonight”), Trevor Noah (host of Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show”) and others bashing all things conservative on a nightly basis.

Jimmy Kimmel has turned his late-night program on ABC into a seminar on health care. Although his rants have been judged as inaccurate and misleading, it doesn’t stop them from being shared across social media, where they become gospel for many Americans.

But look at this from Ranker.com, The Funniest Conservative Comedians of All Time:

1 Tim Allen
2 Dennis Miller
3 Jeff Foxworthy
4 Steven Crowder
5 Adam Sandler
6 Adam Carolla
7 Larry the Cable Guy
8 Ron White
9 Nick DiPaolo
10 Norm Macdonald
11 Rob Schneider
12 Bill Engvall
13 Jeff Dunham
14 Victoria Jackson
15 Bob Hope
16 Evan Sayet
17 Joe Rogan
18 Joe Piscopo
19 Jackie Mason
20 Chonda Pierce

They are out there, but they just don't have a venue.

Aside: I would like to see Greg Gutfeld make such a list. But he may be more of a humorist than a comedian.

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2:31 PM 12/28/2017

Swearing in sign language -- perfect way to respond to horn honkers

With increasingly aggressive drivers on the mean streets these days, this looks like a useful way to communicate with them:

Click to go to Youtube video: Deaf People Teach Us Bad Words. Via Deaf People Show How To Swear In Sign Language, And It’s Shamefully Entertaining.

To do it with a British accent, see this video.

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12:38 PM 12/25/2017

Hilarious -- "Why Socialism Works" by Harrison Lievesley

This book supplied our quote of the week: In answer to the title question, "It doesn't."

Found at Carpe Diem, the blog by well known free market supporter Mark J. Perry, is this book recommendation: Why Socialism Works.

After scratching my head a few times, I had to see the Amazon page for it. The reviews gave it quite favorable ratings which furthered the mystery. But click the link to see inside. It's a joke! And a good one, too!

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2:27 PM 12/15/2017

Maxine, I identify as a millennial today for the express purpose of encouraging you to run for president

She's quoted in Maxine Waters: I’ll Run For President If Millennials Want Me To:

WASHINGTON — California Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters, a favorite among liberal progressives, told The Daily Caller Thursday that this weekend’s scheduled appearance in New Hampshire has nothing to do with potentially running for president in 2020.

But she said that she would run for president if millennials want her to.

“I’m just going up to do a county Democratic thing. That’s all,” she said.

When TheDC pressed further, Waters, an outspoken critic of President Donald Trump, said laughing, “I’m not running for anything but my own seat. I don’t have any presidential aspirations. If the millennials want me to do it, I’d do it, though.”

In this age of identity politics, if anyone can pick his/her sex, then age should be an easy one. Today I identify as a millennial.

Although, Maxine Waters is joking about 2020 — but not about Trump. It wasn't as much a joke as it was a feeler. She's on a listening tour, just like Hillary Clinton's famous listening tours led her to believe voters wanted her.

Today I identify not only as a millennial but as a spokesperson for millennials. And in that capacity, I say, "Run, Maxine, run!"

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1:47 PM 7/21/2017

Greg Gutfeld explains how to explain Trump

Gutfeld is my favorite comedian. Maybe there are other conservative comedians out there, but he could be the only one in the public eye these days. So his work always gets my attention.

His latest written effort found online is this article: Greg Gutfeld: How to explain Trump to your liberal friends (not that they'll listen). Here are some truncated snippets:

1. The Syrian strike reveals that Trump’s response, even to ghastly attacks, is a firm “just enough.” Take away: I compare it to smacking a dog’s nose with a newspaper, or spanking an unruly child in aisle 3 of Walmart. It’s not an act of war. It’s an act of “Yo, we’re back.”

2. Pragmatism prevails, as was predicted by many who refuse to give in to apocalyptic notions about Trump. Take away: New Yorkers always talk tough, then become “flexible.”

3. Economic nationalism will also show itself out, as global deals and coalitions call for cooperation. Take away: You can’t isolate yourself in a phone booth.

4. Even perceptions of force are enough. Take away: Illegal crossings into our country have dropped dramatically, to a nearly two-decade low.

5. Trump’s white nationalist fanboys are deeply wounded. Take away: White nationalists are essentially the Republican versions of Reverend Wright and Bill Ayers — kicked to the curb, where they belong. And their whining is proof that the guy they once liked has no use for them. 

6. Trump made it safer for honest people. Take away: Trump, to his credit, redefined the literality of language and the context of public conversation. ... And comedians should admit this to themselves, or they’re false: Trump helps you.

OK, maybe that wasn't a barrel of laughs. But aphorisms aren't always funny. If you don't agree, you're worse than Hitler.

12:40 PM 4/12/2017

Your moral compass is where?

Movie stars say the darnedest things. The point, though, is to demonstrate their moral superiority. Otherwise why else would their fans have awarded them all that adulation?

So we see outlandish headlines like this one: Cate Blanchett Locates Her Moral Compass in Her Vagina. That creates an image one doesn't typically expect outside a porn-for-perverts website, so I'm told.

But on the other hand, maybe that's a good symbol of the communist International Women's Day feminists celebrated the other day. After all, didn't they once say men think with their private parts? Well, if the shoe fits -- to further confuse the metaphor.

Alternate title: "I got your moral compass right here, baby."

Ann Coulter takes apart fake hate crimes -- offers tips to the hoaxers

There's a satirical article at Vdare.com which eviscerates the perps in some of those recent fake hate crimes. See Ann Coulter: Tips For Hate Crime Hoaxers.

Ms. Coulter acknowledges that in a country the size of the U.S., there is bound to be someone who actually does some of the things the hate crime hoaxers accuse them of. But given that those occurrences are so rare, she undertakes to give some much needed advice to the purveyors of the fake hate crime charges. To wit:

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 1: Don’t invent hate crimes that could form the opening of a Harlequin Romance.

Liberal girls always seem to be imagining strong, rough, Heathcliff-type white men demanding that they disrobe or become “sex slaves.

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 2: Don’t accuse white men of throwing things at you—even if it allows you to issue inspirational quotes, suitable for framing, like: “It’s going to take more than a brick to break me!”

... throwing things at people never really caught on with white men over the age of 6.

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 3: Don’t post your tale of victimology on Facebook if your father may read it, worry about you and call the police.

Hate crime hoaxers, I don’t think I need to tell you this, but you do NOT want a police investigation. ... A brick might not break you, but a police investigation will.

Well, it's all tongue in cheek, but it's a clever way to make a point that the hate crimes we keep hearing about more often than not turn out to be fake news.

Saudi joke -- did you hear the one about the ...

I'm reading Lawrence Wright's "The Terror Years," and on page 120 he tells a Saudi joke.

Mr. Wright lived and worked in Jeddah beginning in January of 2003. He got a job with the Saudi Gazette -- an English language addition of a Saudi newspaper -- where he was supposed to teach new hires how to be newspaper reporters. And the chapter titled "The Kingdom of Silence" consists of anecdotes from his stint at that newspaper. Here's an exchange he relayed in his book:

"Don't you guys ever tell jokes?" I asked one Saudi friend.
"Of course," he said. "We're very funny."
"So tell me a Saudi joke."
He thought for a moment and finally offered this:

A Somali, an Egyptian, and a Saudi are asked:
"What is your opinion of eating meat?"
The Somali said, "What is eating?"
The Egyptian said, "What is meat?"
And the Saudi said, "What's an opinion?"

Well, maybe you had to be there.

In any event, "The Terror Years," drawn from his work researching "The Looming Tower," is an engaging book.

This thief left behind a print of his bare behind

Seems that a thief left a partial print of his bare arse on the glass door of a shop in Wodonga, Australia, after a break-in. And the news writers had a field day. See, for example, Police still sniffing around for Wodonga bum print thief. To wit:

Authorities believe they know the cheeky culprit, but are not ruling out a line-up in order to help crack the case.

Oh boy, are they having a good time with that one?!

A few days later police charged a 15 year old boy for the crime. But it wasn't known whether some poor print specialist had to compare the crime scene print with the real thing.

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Via Arbroath who we wish a successful and speedy recovery.

Ron Paul is shilling for system that preserves food 25 years -- he's one optimistic pessimist

Ron Paul has radio commercials in which he shills for Harvest Right, the company that makes a freeze dryer for home use. Dr. Paul proclaims that freeze drying food will preserve it for 25 years.

Cue the irony detectors. Paul is pessimistic enough to think he needs to preserve food for as long as 25 years. He's 81 years old. Now that is one optimistic pessimist.

Mansplaining Hotline -- what is your emergency?

Mansplaining Hotline, what is your emergency?

Female Caller: I would like to report a case of mansplaining.

MH: What happened?

FC: He started out interrogating me. He was all, "Why didn't you turn the light off when you left the room?" Then he went, "That light has been on all day."

MH: Go on.

FC: Then he started with the mansplaining: "I work hard to pay the bills around here. And electricity isn't cheap. We don't need to waste it by leaving the lights on all day. We've been over this a million times. Electric lights burn electricity whether you are in the room or not. And when you aren't in the room, you don't need the light. So when you leave the room turn off the G__ D___ lights!"

MH: Uh.

FC: Hell, I knew all that. He didn't need to explain it. That's mansplaining, right? Can you send the cops?

MH: Sorry ma'am, we're a union operation, and you have to be at work before we can help you. What you need is the Skinflint Husband Hotline -- they'll set you up with a good divorce lawyer who'll shake the coins out of that cheap bastard.

Howie Carr takes the hand-off from Jeff Foxworthy -- you might be deplorable if ...

Hillary Clinton branding half the voters as "deplorable" was manna from heaven for bloggers. It was ready made for Jeff Foxworthy, but he didn't pick it up. Never fear, Howie Carr did! See Carr: Some Quick, easy steps to tell if you’re a deplorable. Some samples:

In case you’ve been wondering which side you’re on, you may be a deplorable if you stand for the National Anthem.

Or if you know all the words to the Pledge of Allegiance, especially, “under God.”

If you wake before noon, if you call Islamic terrorists Islamic terrorists, if you don’t have an Obamaphone and you don’t believe that global warming is “settled science” — can you say deplorable?

You may be deplorable if your passport, driver’s license and credit cards are all in the same name. ...

You may be a deplorable if all of your children have the same last name — and it’s your last name.

My favorite:

Or if when you go to Market Basket, you tend to buy generic products, because you’re using your own money, not an EBT card. ...

Hillary backtracked after being called out on it. Too bad. Bloggers need this sort of stuff from pretentious politicians.

Mom's please don't waste a bunch of people's time while you can teach your snowflake a lesson

So I'm in a store checkout line. Directly in front of me is a cute kid (blond girl) buying some toy at a discount. Mom is standing by watching. Aw, how sweet.

The kid hears the price, a dollar plus change, then she starts digging in her cute little purse for coins.

She counts them out until she arrives at the correct coinage. Then she's told the price includes all those coins plus one dollar. So she digs around some more for a dollar bill. Finally! The whole transaction took several minutes.

Anyway, it's all well and good for the kid to learn how to count money. But one lesson she didn't get was that she was holding up a line of people which included at least one curmudgeon steaming about the wasted time.

So moms, please be aware that not everyone loves your precious flower as much as you do. Maybe that's a lesson the flower should learn, too.

My own transaction took about half a minute.

P.S. There's got to be a blond joke in there somewhere. But the punchline has eluded me so far.

P.P.S OH OH OH! I've got one! Robo-ed:

How many blonds does it take to count out $1.63?

Two. One to count out the dollars. One to count out the cents. And one to add the dollars to the cents.

Wait. That's three.

You never said there would be any math.

Happy father's day -- a short story, very short

Found this at Joe Bob Briggs' site. It probably wasn't intended as a Father's Day message, but let's not get distracted by details.

The World’s Second Shortest Horror Story
By Rebecca Brock and Joe Bob Briggs

The last man on Earth sits in a room.
There’s a knock at the door.
It’s his ex-wife.
And her mother.

Borrowed from The World’s Second Shortest Horror Story.

Happy Father's Day!

Transgenders now choose their bathrooms -- will male prison inmates get to move to women's prisons? Roger Corman, get your camera ready.

Some stores have given in to transgender bathroom usage. School districts are grappling with the issue, especially with the Obama administration breathing down their necks.

Now, with Obama getting more and more liberal with convicts, it seems only a matter of time before transgender inmates get to declare whether they are male or female and serve time in a prison designated for the sex they declared.

It sounds like something out of a Roger Corman movie. In case you don't remember him, he earned millions making B grade sexploitation movies in the 60s and 70s with titles like "Women in Cages," "The Big Bird Cage," and "Caged Heat."

Coming soon to a theater near you: "Man Trapped in a Woman's Body Trapped in a Women's Prison."

Australian Army couldn't find vehicle after they painted it camouflage

It was bound to happen. Anyone who has ever put down some camo colored object out in the wild and had to hunt for it will sympathize with them.

It probably didn't happen quite this way, though. Military stuff goes missing from time to time, and the camo color was probably just a coincidence, if this even happened at all.

But it's one of those things that was too easily ridiculed for some newspaper editor to pass up.

Via Miss Cellania.

Good news, Charlize Theron, digital retouching can make you look ugly

The other day we got the depressing news that Charlize Theron wasn't getting the good parts because she was too pretty. I can empathize as I imagine how far I would have gotten were I not so stunningly handsome.

But take heart, Charlize, there's hope. Businessinsider.com reveals this tantalizing news: Hollywood's dirty secret to make stars look younger is more common than you realize.

Theron had to gain weight and wear prosthetics to get the right look of a serial monster in the movie "Monster." Forget all that. She could simply get the tech guys to un-hot her with digital retouching. Step into the magic of the movies.

Is Don Rickles for hire as a joke writer? Don Trump, needs him for his insult comedy

Donald Trump alienates many in the TV audience when he tries out his insult comedy on his Republican opponents, because he's not that good a comic. Marco Rubio's efforts weren't half bad with the bit about the small hands. Trump is the one who needs help.

So where would Don Rickles fit in that mix? At least half of what makes a joke funny comes from the talent of the joke teller. That's why some comedians end up writing jokes for the ones with the best delivery. Some of the funny people we see on TV would be nothing without their writers.

Donald Trump has great delivery and would be a good comedian if he had good material. If only an insult comedian like Don Rickles would help him, his insult jokes might be funny.

While we wait: A Don Rickles compilation.

Madeleine Albright's special place in hell -- what that must be like

Dailycaller.com has Madeleine Albright's full quote regarding female voters' supposed obligation to Hillary Clinton. Here's the kicker:

“Just remember: there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other,” Albright said, much to the joy of Clinton, who is seen laughing at the remark, which she has used numerous times in the past.

There are conservative atheists and progressive atheists, but progressives seem proud to have a lock on the concept. But since hell is a religious artifact, one wonders why progressives even make reference to it. Are they clinging to their bibles in hope of a resurrected Hillary Clinton.

Anyway, let's get to the point which is to explore just what that hell is. Here are some wild guesses, think of Albright as you go over the list. To wit:

hotel rooms with slow room service
the maids are angry feminists serving time in their own hell
food not cooked to order
no pet cats, only dogs
nail polish that never dries
all the women are thin except you
bad hair days every day
old wrinkly looking face
too much weight that can't be shed
nails that won't grow
manicurists that cut too close to the quick
clothes that make you look fat

Hillary has backtracked on the statement, by the way. Maybe she's already living in her own special hell on earth.