Sleepless in Midland

Did you hear the one about the guy who reported his lost his parrot to the IRS?

Two jokes:

A fellow went to an IRS office and told them he lost his parrot. The IRS agent said, "You don't need to come down here and tell us. If you think you're entitled to a deduction put it on your tax return." The fellow said, "Oh, no, I don't care about that. I just wanted you to know that I don't agree with a word that parrot says!"

--Rimshot!--

Two friends were talking. One says, "Do you think Obama has finished delivering the hope and change he promised?" The other says, "Oh no, things are going to get much worse!

--Boom!--

OK, you've heard these before only in a different context. They were paraphrased from jokes Ronald Reagan told about the Soviet Union. See for yourself at Reagan tells Soviet jokes. They're still funny after all these years.

My entry application to the Redneck Inventor's Club

Redneck Inventor's Club - Home Improvement Division, Water Conservation Subdivision, Gutter Installation Section.

High Tech Po Boy Class, Laser Level subclass.

memo to the NSA spy who loves me

We've been hearing about how you NSA folks are using your access to our phone calls and internet use to spy on your love interests. So this one is for you, the spy who loves me.

Hey babe, how's it going? I'd love to hear all about you when I have time, but since you are taking the time out of your busy workday to check in on me, I thought I would tell you a little about myself. I'm tall, handsome, fit, and get mistaken for Brad Pitt all the time. Don't pay any attention to that photo on my driver's license. I don't know where they get that crazy stuff -- it's government work, am I right?

I like long walks on the beach, picnics, romantic dinners, whispering sweet nothings in my loveint's ear, cuddling under the moonlight, making my loveint feel wanted and all that sh*t.

What are you wearing? Um, wait a second. Are you a dude? Not that there's anything wrong with that. But uh, you know what? This just isn't working. I think you should leave. Right now. It's not you, it's me.

But I still like you. As a friend. We'll talk someday. I'll call.

This is how you die

Remember the wish granting machine in the movie "Big?" Imagine an antique coin machine that will tell you how you'll die. That's the premise of this Vimeo video titled This is how you die. It's packed tight with irony and humor, and it's worth the 5:28 minutes out of your long life that it will take to watch it.

Based on the stories in the book, This Is How You Die: Stories of the Inscrutable, Infallible, Inescapable Machine of Death, the video was put together by Michael Mohan with help from a bunch of other people listed in the credits.

Via laughingsquid.com.

Close encounters of the worst kind -- Universal truth of the day, 8/11/13

The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. Via nedhardy.com.

If you're the one they don't want to be seen with you've been empowered. You can go two ways. You can try to alleviate the feeling of the person you're with by making it sound like it was a random encounter by saying something like, "I don't know how I can every thank you enough for finding my dog." Or better yet, you can do something totally insane and enjoy your companion's anguish.

George W Bush's heart

When George W. Bush was in the White House he jogged and road a bicycle and did who knows what else to stay in shape. At one point we were told that his heart rate was about 52 beats per minute, which is pretty low.

So I wonder how many others besides me were surprised by the news that he was diagnosed with an artery blockage and underwent a stent installation. It's almost enough to make one thing that all that cardio exercise doesn't really make a difference.

Anyway, here's hoping the problem has been taken care of. Meanwhile, Argus Hamilton was able to pull some humor from the situation with a jab at MSNBC:

George W. Bush is fine after having a stent put in his artery to relieve a heart blockage Tuesday. Everyone in the media was nice to him. Fox News sent a get-well bouquet to his hospital room and MSNBC sent him two chili dogs with extra cheese and steak fries.

Mmmm. Extra cheese!

Nomination for funniest commercial currently airing -- Geico hump day camel

At the moment the funniest commercial airing on TV, imho, is the one for Geico featuring the hump day camel with the big mouth. The instant he walks into the office the workers start rolling their eyes. Then he finally gets some hapless worker to admit it's hump day. What a hoot!

My only gripe is that they play it on days other than Wednesdays, but that's OK.  Watch it at this Youtube link.

Who could possibly do such a perfect camel's voice? It's Chris Sullivan. Click the link to see what else he's done. What a versatile actor he must be.

Dumb jokes that somehow make us feel smart

Q. Why did Mr Ohm marry Mrs Ohm?
A. Because he couldn't resistor.
Source.

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
Source.

Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk". What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk", for the sake of humankind please do not have children.
Source.

So a hydroxide ion asks a potassium ion out. The potassium ion says no, because the hydroxide ion is a bit of a HO.
Source.

Q. How do you know when you're being approached by the Quantum Mafia?
A. They make you an offer you can't understand.
Source.

Q. Why did the lights go out?
A. Because they liked each other!
Source.

Had enough? If not watch Are You Smart Enough To Get These Nerdy Jokes?
Source.

Finally:

Source.

Top ten things Barack Obama and his enablers would have done if he had been president at the time of the O.J. Simpson trial

President Obama, his administration, and his media enablers worked very strategically at politicizing the George Zimmerman trial. And it paid off for them at the ballot box in November 2012. So what if Barack Obama had been president at the time of the O.J. Simpson murder trial?

Let's go back a few years and recall the O.J. Simpson murder trial in the mid 1990s. All the evidence pointed to his guilt, and most white people were stunned at the not-guilty verdict. They were even more stunned at the videos showing black students cheering wildly as the not-guilty verdict was announced.

But that was the trial of the previous century. Let's speculate on what would have happened had the racially divisive Barack Obama been president back then.

-Eric Holder would devote all the resources of the United States Department of Justice to help find the real killer.

-Barack Obama would praise the jury system for rendering the right verdict.

-NAACP would demand that the entire LAPD be fired.

-Piers Morgan would bemoan racist prosecutors and demand they be fired.

-National Organization for Women - "Nicole Brown Simpson was asking for it."

-David Simon would say the verdict "makes me proud to be an American."

-Mark Furhman would be jailed for hate speech.

-Eric Holder: "White people need to have an honest conversation about why they are all a bunch of racists."

-Nancy Grace: "This innocent man should never been brought to trial!"

-Barack Obama: "If I had a son he sure as hell wouldn't look like Ron Goldman."

But, this is mere speculation.

Good joke about a criminal trial

This has absolutely nothing to do with any high profile trial, but for some reason with all the trial news coverage lately, this joke sprang to mind. It was posted at Bits and Pieces last year. To wit:

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

“Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury retired to deliberate.

A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: ”Yes, we did look, but your client didn’t.”

Nanny state update -- Coffee mug as drug paraphernalia

From Overlawyered.com we learn that 22 state attorneys general have signed a letter addressed to Urban Outfitters asking them to stop selling a coffee mug that has a fake prescription for coffee on it.

Wow!

Maggie Thurber gives them a good fisking at Watchdog.org. As she notes, that the likelihood that someone might be tempted to abuse prescription drugs because of a joke on a mug is ludicrous.

What about those mugs that say "best dad" and such? Isn't that false advertising without some empirical evidence? Attorneys General, check your kitchen cabinets.

[It was probably the physician on the script that brought the law down on them. Dr. Feelgood? Had to be a druggie. Robo-ed.]

Via Cato.

The streets ran wet with beer

This happened yesterday morning at a busy intersection in Midland, Texas.

I was driving toward the intersection and noticed a commotion ahead. As I got closer it became apparent that there were hundreds of cans of Bud Light loose out in the street. Apparently, the driver of an overloaded pickup truck hauling cases of Budweiser beer hit a bump, swerved or something, and a portion of his load left the vehicle on its own.

It was quite a scene. Beer cans everywhere, people scrambling, cars blocking the street.

I scurried home and retrieved a camera, but by the time I got back all that was left was a bunch of cans on the island and the hapless driver gently placing them into the back of the truck. We don't know what happened to those cans. Did they get discarded? Put in someone's fridge? Put on the store shelves?

At any rate, if you attend a party this Independence Day, and the unopened can of beer in your hand shows some road rash, be sure to point it in a safe direction before flipping the tab.

Spuds McKenzie, go home boy,  go home!

Happy 4th of July, everyone!

NSA Flix: Netflix for Private Information

Nothing's private anymore anyway. So instead of only NSA listening in on our conversations, anyone can listen in. But only if they subscribe -- the money can be used to hire more contractors.

Watch the new NSA commercial here. "The NSA has decided to launch a new, exciting product that the entire family can enjoy. Cancel your Netflix subscription now and demand NSA Flix."

Via Presurfer.

Cooking cookies in a hot car -- does that work?

Found this photo here, and it actually looks doable.

But at least one recipe says chocolate chip cookies need to be cooked 10 minutes at 350ºF. The inside of a car on a hot day may exceed 200ºF, but is that enough to cook a cookie?

If nothing else, it would generate a nice aroma. Forget that new car smell, it's cookies all the way home, baby!

Something for the art lovers out there -- Metropolitan Museum of Butts

Check out the Metropolitan Museum of Butts which features photos of sculptures in museums, from the back.

Tag line: "Gay or straight, man or woman... everybody likes butts. And everybody has a butt."

Via mentalfloss.com.

Sleepless in Midland -- always trying to move you to a higher level.

Barack Obama, wow, isn't he great? -- Tips for addressing your IRS auditor

With so many people and entities being audited these days one needs to remember that there's more to it than simply documenting income and expenses. There's a political element. The hearing this past week in which Acting IRS Commissioner Steve Miller got grilled by Congress about how the IRS targeted Obama's political opponents in order to help with the re-election drove that home. But the IRS is still standing, and they’re doing business as usual.

So if you get audited, herewith are some things you might think about saying to endear you to your auditor:

That Barack Obama, wow, isn't he great?

Did you see Michelle's outfit? She certainly does have good taste!

I wonder which of the two Obama children will be President first.

I'll be glad when Obamacare gets fully implemented so that responsible people like you can take over our medical information.

Historians will say Barack Obama is the greatest president ever!

I didn't like Obama at first, but after hearing him speak, I saw the light.

He sure showed that bin Laden, huh?

When Hillary takes office she'll be the greatest president ever! Aw, silly me, ha ha! She'll be the 2nd greatest president ever!

Just tying to be helpful.

Interview with Jonathan Winters

Jonathan Winters' comedic talent didn't have universal appeal, but he did have fans. However, he was out of the limelight for a long time, and now that he's gone -- well, there goes the comeback.

Sometimes knowing a performer's background provides a little insight into the shaping of the character we saw. And Winters had a background that makes an interesting story.

The way he tells it, his parents didn't like him, and both parents were eager to sign the paper work to get him in the Marines at the age of 17. There he served as one of 75 Marines on board the Navy carrier USS Bonhomme Richard to guard the magazine in case the Admiral went berserk and the Marines had to take over the ship.  They didn't have to.

He got his start doing stand-up comedy while in high school in Springfield, Ohio. He did five and ten minute bits in bars for food. But his real standup started while he was serving on the Bonhomme Richard. He was 19 and known to be a cut-up, and a Naval officer asked him to put on a show for the 2,000 sailors. So he did some sound effects and impersonations, the audience enjoyed it, and something clicked. He realized that maybe he had a talent that could actually lead to something.

Anyway, all this is from a podcast in which Marc Maron interviewed Winters. And there's much more. Click here to go to the download site. Love him or not, it's an interesting story.

What your coffee says about you

Here's a neat chart for the Latte set navel gazers. It's probably as accurate as Astrology, i.e., enough generalizations and pretentiousness to make it halfway believable to those who need it. Source thedoghousediaries.com. Via blameitonthevoices.com.

Notably missing is my favorite: a cup of leftover ordinary coffee gone cold. You're lazy and uncreative. You're very boring and uninspiring. You're too cheap to go to Starbucks. You're as cold as the coffee you're drinking. Yeah, that sounds about right.

Nomophobia -- anxiety caused by no cell signal

Americans are riddled with modern-day afflictions, and new ones come along all the time.

Smart phones were bound to cause a few.  And how we have Nomophobia, or “no mobile phone phobia.” Symptoms include:

obsessive checking, constant worrying about losing it even when it's in a safe place, and never turning it off. According to a recent study from mobile tech company SecurEnvoy, people check their phones 34 times a day on average—and 75% of people surveyed say they take their phones to the bathroom. And nomophobia is apparently on the rise, with 66% of us meeting the criteria for the condition—up from 53% four years ago.

The iZombie in his natural state typically stands in one spot staring at his communication device. Take it away and he's overwhelmed with anxiety, paces about his cage, doesn't eat, looks at the device several time a minute. Once it's returned he resumes the typical iZombie state as if nothing had happened.

Will Hillary go for the low information voter?

Most of us were shocked and awed by reports that President Obama won last November because of a concentration on getting the uninformed voter's vote. One would think that would be a tiny bit embarrassing, but he didn't seem to have any shame about it, though.

But what about some of the high-brow Dems? Don't they feel a little queasy about relying on the dumb guy vote?

This is from The Onion, but there could be some truth to it: I'm Weighing Whether Or Not I Want To Go Through The Hell Of Appealing To You Idiotic, Uninformed Oafs, by Hillary Clinton. Excerpt:

Because when it comes right down to it, I have two choices: Either I spend the next three years of my life investing an enormous amount of time and energy into appealing to the lowest common denominator, or I preserve my dignity, move on with my life, and continue serving the public without completely degrading myself day in and day out for millions of ignorant slobs.

Meanwhile, in an effort to help the low information voter whose shelves are no doubt lined with participation trophies, Sleepless in Midland would like to alert them to a club for those who are too dumb for the smart-people clubs. It's notMensa. Take the test to see if you qualify. Good luck.

Why Joe Biden is so fond of shotguns

Because the sound made when ejecting a shell is the same sound his brain makes when he has an idea.

Joe Biden: buy a shotgun, not an assault rifle, to protect your home.

The bugs (bacteria) on your cell phone

Close up photos of bacteria are usually both fascinating and disturbing. And this is no exception. Dailymail.co.uk has a photo spread showing what was growing in Petri dishes a few days after students were asked to press their mobile phones into them. Click to see the photos.

Disclaimer: Sleepless in Midland assumes no responsibility for nausea, hypochondria, paranoia, contract cancellation, unfriending, or any other situation resulting from looking at the photos.

This is why young men don't want to get married

Some long term thinkers are wondering why the birth rate is declining. That's easy to explain -- young folks can't afford to raise a child. Even easier to explain is why young men don't want to get married. You can find answers at Cracked.com with the number one reason being loss of power.

All right, as true as that might be, this is all just an excuse to pass along to unmarried men this cautionary tale found at the joke site MissCellania:

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out and suspicious. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to invest in only a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?"

"We're going with the granite countertops."

Modern internet romance -- with blackmail

Graham Cluley's headline explains it all so succinctly: Boy meets girl. Girl strips on webcam. Tells boy to do the same. Girl blackmails boy. Who could resist clicking on that one?

Alternate ending: Boy kept gigantic prosthesis handy for webcam stripping. Told girl, go ahead and post it. Boy inundated with romantic offers.

The last curmudgeon standing - on electronic car keys

Don Boudreaux is brilliant. Insightful. Articulate. And no doubt he's an engaging teacher. It's a pleasure to read the letters he sends to newspapers in response to some wrong headed article, letters he dutifully reproduces at his blog.

But here's where I part with him. At the otherwise excellent blog Cafe Hayek he posted praise for the keyless car key -- the little fob that locks and unlocks new car doors and trunks. The one shown in his photograph looks like it belongs to a vehicle from the Toyota family. Oh yeah, they're convenient, all right. But it's just one more thing that can go wrong. Will a big solar flare lock us out of our cars? Will these things still work in 20 years, or in 2032 will replacing broken electronic gadgets in an old car eventually exceed it's resale value?

There was a time when people bought a car, worked on it themselves, and kept it a very long time. Now with all the computer controlled devices a car out of warranty is a ticking time bomb of expensive repairs.

The highlight of my own experience with the electric car fob was when I lost one of the two that came with the car. First, the replacement fob had to be ordered. Then once it arrived, the locks, the new fob and the spare fob had to be reprogrammed so that they all worked together. The lost fob would no longer work on that car, so anyone finding it would have a useless piece of plastic. As it happened, I'm the one who found the lost fob which is currently a useless piece of plastic.

new fob	$208.68
new key	$75.90
freight	$14.00
sales tax	$23.48
reprograming	$110.00
Total bill	$432.06

This is so I don't have to use a brass key or flip a button to manually unlock a vehicle door. Brass keys for the old cars could be duplicated at a nominal cost at any of a number of key duplicating shops and kiosks that used to be everywhere.

We really must be living in a prosperous era if people are employed to invent and manufacture devices so car owners can avoid lifting an arm or twisting a wrist. I suppose that was Mr. Boudreaux's point, but it would seem to say we are getting lazy, too, if we had rather pay extra for an electric motor and a circuit board so that we don't have to move a finger.

So am I the last curmudgeon standing?

Back in my day a guy named Dana Carvey had a popular news commentary where he always made a mighty fine point. And they had the audacity to call him "the grumpy old man." Watch him here and here. Talk about insight, that guy nailed it.

Why, in my day we didn't wear seat belts. When we had a wreck we went sailing through the front windshield, and we liked it!

Internet makes fun of headline - Volunteers needed to help rape victims

Brevity is the soul of wit, or so said Polonius. Be careful, though. Maybe an extra word or two can help eliminate those unintended interpretations.

Oh, how ruthless that internet can be. Photo was found at Criggo.com, TheWhatEver.com and Reddit.com.

Original article with revised headline found here.

It's the space monkey who should be offended

There's someone poised to be offended at every joke. And right on cue here comes someone carping about John McCain who tweet quipped the following:

So Ahmadinejad wants to be first Iranian in space - wasn't he just there last week? "Iran launches monkey into space"

Ha ha. Good one, John. But wouldn't you know it, someone got their feelings hurt and called the joke racist. Link.

On the bright side, maybe a promise to quit making wise cracks could be held out as a carrot to get the Iranians to quit building nuclear bombs. Don't laugh. It couldn't work any worse than sanctions.

Joe Biden demonstrates he too can shoot at skeet

President Obama authorized the release of a photo of him shooting a shotgun to back up a claim that he shoots skeet all the time.

Not to be outdone, Joe Biden released a photo of his own effort to shoot a skeet.

National pie day -- it should be a holiday

Today, January 23, 2013, is National Pie Day. Yeah, let's celebrate!

Here's my personal pie chart.

(Chart concept shamelessly stolen from the 'net.)

Gifts for people you hate

Christmas is just a few hours away, and you've still got that one gift left to buy. You've procrastinated because it's for someone you don't particularly like but nonetheless feel obligated.

Here's the ticket: Gift Guide Roundup: The Best Gifts For People You Hate. (Via Newmark's Door.)

There are some good suggestions there, like a Thighmaster, a book on Scientology, or a self help book on personal flaws.

But the best gift ideas are in the comments, like a drum set for their kids or anything from Yoko Ono Fashions for Men.

Have fun shopping. Don't waste time, you can thank me later.