Sleepless in Midland

I bought the ticket, the set belongs to me! -- Kramden vs Norton

"The Honeymooners" just came in as the 2nd funniest TV comedy of all time in at a poll reported by NYPost.com.

One of the cable channels is running the old Honeymooners shows in the early AM, and I've been recording and watching them. And they really are funny. A viewer can actually have some real laughs at those shows, unlike the comedies of today which sometimes don't even earn a smile at their best.

One that played the other night showed how the Kramdens and the Nortons celebrated Ed Norton's birthday. Ralph and Alice took Ed and Trixie out to a movie for the evening. A night at the movies was the cheapest thing Ralph could come up with, and he managed to place all the credit on that decision on Alice. But that just led up to the big joke.

Cut to the movie theater entrance. The foursome exit the theater pushing a big TV set that Ed won by holding the lucky ticket. Since Ralph purchased the tickets his reaction is predictable. But the buildup is true comedic art. You can see Ralph moping around in the background, barely holding back his rage at the unfairness of it all. You can see the joke coming a mile away, but Jackie Gleason's timing is terrific. And they pull off a very funny joke.

Watch it to see if you agree. Youtube link.

What, the end of the world? Again?

On December 21, I think. It's the Mayan calendar, you know. Here's what I don't understand. If the Mayans were so good at predicting the future, how come they didn't foresee their own extinction and do something to stop it?

Another thing. Don't you just hate it when the end of the world is coming up in a week and you've already done your Christmas shopping? Dang.

Village of the Damned plays high school football

Maybe someone who follows West Texas high school football knows the story behind this. Take a look at these two photos from the Midland Reporter-Telegram issues of 11/24/12 and 11/26/12. Notice anything unusual about the players?

All of those young men seem to be sporting blond hair. Is that a coincidence? The odds are against it being a natural phenomenon.

They are identified as Greenwood High School football players, but they look like adolescent kids from the Village of the Damned, minus the scary eyes.

Maybe their mothers were impregnated by one of those fertility doctors who used blond sperm to impregnate his patients. But that's even more unlikely.

Perhaps the boys bleached their hair to intimidate their opponents.  Gorgeous George would be proud.

What they need now is a good Haka dance to really intimidate their opponents, perhaps to the tune of a Beach Boys song. Or they could just use their Village of the Damned powers to cause turnovers. Either way.

[How did you miss Bleach Boys?  Robo-ed.]

In case of fire exit before tweeting about it

Just had to share this.

Is is real?  Found it at HaHaStop.com so it must be.

Sex between biographer and subject -- was that wrong?

Instapundit points to this item from Walter Russell Mead in which he condescendingly explains that a biographer shouldn't have sex with the subject of the biography if the subject is married to someone else.

Sorry, those tired old ethics were repealed during the second Clinton term when we learned that sex, lies and stained dresses were business as usual for busy executives.

It brings mind George Castanza's confusion when accused of having sex with the office cleaning lady. Was that wrong?

As for Paula Broadwell and General David Petraeus, don't-ask-don't-tell was the mantra of the day, but they mistakenly thought it applied to them. Like Castanza's situation, maybe no one told them otherwise.

Sunday diversions -- make old timey mugshot of politicians

There's a neat little do-it-yourself website that lets the user upload a picture of him/herself to morph into an old style mugshot. Seems more appropriate to try it out on the soon to be departing politicians who have dominated out TV screens for the past four years.

Let's start with Bill Clinton.

Can't do Bill without Hillary.

Joe Biden looks good.

And finally, here's Barack Obama. It's OK. But photos of him from the Choom gang days don't even need alteration.

Via MentalFloss.com.

Definitions to help us understanding progressive words and phrases

President Obama is fond of made-up words to deride the man who plans to replace him in the White House. Words like Romnesia. That word doesn't means what Mr. Obama thinks it means. Here's the real meaning: A condition of desperation resulting from looking in your rear view mirror and not seeing your opponent.

This might be a good time to pull up some definitions of the key terms used by Progressive American. Cliff Asness wrote them, and you can see the whole list at the link below. Here are a few to get us started.

Regular Americans
Definition: People who support me.

Special Interests
Definition: People who support you.

The Phrase “Deny Access to…”
Used in a sentence: “It is unfair to deny access to healthcare to 26 year olds living off their parents.”
Definition: When a person isn’t given something they want for free, and they have not found a way to steal it yet, they have been “denied access” to it. In general it is the “1%” that “denies access.” See “1%” below.

The 1%
Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hi-tech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

Universal Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as single payer.

Single payer Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as socialized medicine.

Socialized Medicine
Definition: Something Democrats claim they don’t want, as they simply want Universal Health Care.

See the whole list at Zerohedge.com.

Found here.

British boobs getting bigger

This is huge news. A large UK department store chain called Debenhams revealed that over the past two years the average size of bras sold increased by two or three sizes.

DailyMail.co.uk:

Wales, however, wins the biggest average bra award, with an E-cup being the bestselling size in its stores there. ...

The chain's head of lingerie buying and design, Sharon Webb, said there had definitely been a change.

She said: 'Sales suggest that breasts are bigger than ever before.'

Get a grip on that!

Via Tim Worstall.

Radioactive rods do it deeper

We all know by now that a Halliburton work crew lost a radioactive rod somewhere in the deserts of West Texas. It must not have represented too much of a threat, otherwise some of the many available resources would have been deployed, such as airborne pipeline leak detectors and sniffer drones.

The rod turned up along side of a road between job sites, but it certainly took long enough to find. With newspapers as far away as Britain's Guardian reporting about it it was time to put the Sleepless investigative reporters on the case. And they came back with some reasonable theories about what might have happened to the rod in the interim:

1. Driver used it to warm up his day old Bold Pick of the Day.

2. Wanted to sell it in Iran but TomTom took them to Iraan.

3. Got frightened by news reports and used it as West Nile mosquito repellent.

4. Used it as a glow stick at Cirque Chinois show.

5. Used it to charge a dead truck battery but truck melted.

6. Tried to sell it to Mexican drug cartel but were told, "No mas! No mas! Fast and Furious! No mas!"

Hauling out an oldie for National Empty Chair Day

Naional Empty Chair Day is just crying out for this photo of an Obama yard decoration from sometime around Halloween 2010.

I think a chair containing a stuffed suit should still qualify as empty, don't you?

Quip of the week -- "that's next week"

Back story: Ultra Democrat Chris Matthews got in an argument with some folks at a restaurant in Tampa after the Republican convention. They heckled him as he left. Trying to be clever, he fired a sophomoric jab at them: “What’s this, a douchebag convention?”

He was no match for them. The retort: "... that's next week."

HA HA.  Source.

Poor Chris Matthews. What's going to happen to him and the other anti-Republican commentators at MSNBC if the Republicans take the Presidency, House, and Senate? GE will still be working the crony capitalism angle, so will they continue trying so hard to antagonize people who aren't Democrats?

Newsweek's one term wonders

Someone put together a cute late night mockumercial feeding off of that infamous "Hit the road Barack" Newsweek cover.

Youtube link.

Via Soopermexican.com.

Overheard on 911 call -- "Hide the gun in them woods."

Now here's a crime story ready for the dumb criminals category.

Burglary, trespassing and illegal hunting, these guys were up to no good. A drunken, armed land owner gave chase. Shots were fired. Vehicles were crashed. The burglars called 911. Here's the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department news release:

A Red River County game Warden and two Bowie County game wardens received information about a possible road hunting incident near a residence. The property owner and his wife were outside at the time and after hearing shots, the husband, who had been drinking, jumped into his vehicle and began to chase the hunters. While in pursuit, in an attempt to stop the hunters the man began shooting a pistol out of his window. The man rammed the hunters’ vehicle and in the process flipped his vehicle over and suffered serious injuries. The hunters had called 911 to report they were being shot at. When wardens contacted the suspected road hunters, they denied having weapons and shooting at anything. Unaware that their 911 call had not been dropped as they believed, in the background officials could clearly hear someone say, “hide the gun in them woods,” and “not that far, we’re gonna come back and get it tonight.” After hearing the 911 tape, the three hunters gave statements admitting to shooting at multiple animals from the road that day as well as committing multiple burglaries of habitations and storage buildings in the Dekalb area. Wardens also interviewed the hunters about a year-long investigation regarding the slaying of an 8-point buck last August in Red River County. The hunters admitted to being on the ranch illegally and shooting the buck leaving it to waste. A total of 24 cases were filed on the three individuals. Meanwhile, the overzealous property owner was filed on for DWI and deadly conduct.

Only in Texas my friends.  Only in Texas.

Via.

Noisy Olympic spectators

I really laughed at this. If you've ever attended a sporting event and had to sit near a noisy nuisance maybe you can enjoy it too.

The guy here is supposed to be the King of Sweden, and maybe among royals the need to make noise outweighs any need for common courtesy to the ordinaries.

Found at Yahoo.com.

A ghost in the pants

We hear on occasion how someone spotted an image of a religious icon on a tortilla or something. This is almost as good. It's an image of Charles Laughton's Hunchback of Notre Dame on my pants leg.

The appearance of the religious icons carry a message. Pray harder, quit sinning, do better. Not sure just what Quasimodo is trying to say, though. Stand up straight, maybe.

[Oh come on, that's not happenstance, you shaped that image yourself. Admit it. Robo-ed. No, that's the way the pants fell. If I had shaped the image myself it wouldn't have been Quasimodo. It would have been Barack Obama, Mike Bloomberg, or some of the others who want to put the government in the thick of things. Or better yet, that sexy hurdler who does the shimmy shake before she races. Sleepless.]

Newspaper ad -- Sorry for the innuendo

George Brownridge pleased 15 women for an entire day, and they thanked him with this ad.

George must have been exhausted, too.

However, apparently he had only arranged a shopping trip for those ladies, and they wanted to thank him publicly. But wouldn't you know it, some took it the wrong way. And an apology ad resulted.

From Daily Mail. Via Guy Code via Linkiest.

Twaggies -- crowd sourced cartoons for funny tweets

Did you ever see an amusing Tweet and think, "That should be a cartoon caption?" That's where Twaggies.com comes in. It's a site where visitors can submit Tweets they think are funny, and if an artist agrees, it shows on the site as a cute cartoon.

It's a lot more work drawing a picture than it is posting a one-liner. So it's fun to scroll down to see what they came up with.

Obama Monopoly -- a board game

There's a board game out there called Communist Monopoly developed by a Polish research institute to teach people about life under communism. According to Spiegel.de the game lets the players experience the frustration of trying to obtain necessities in a communist economy. Excerpt:

Just like in the Communist era, players can leverage certain advantages to get what they need. The "colleague in the government" card is the equivalent of the famous "get out of jail free" card in Monopoly. Any player lucky enough to have one of these beauties can secretly find out when the next deliveries will arrive in the shops.

The game gets a rating of 7.09 out of 10 at Boardgamegeek.com.

If Mr. Obama gets reelected it might be time to bring out a new board game: Obama Monopoly. The objective would be to get as much from the government as possible through loans, bailouts, and special favors. The players get a certain number of tokens called "votes," and these votes can increase or decrease as the player advances around the board. A "Special Interest Group" card gives the player certain advantages provided the player has a minimum number of votes. However, a "friend of Obama" card automatically gets concessions from the government regardless of the number of votes the player has. The "Republican" card sends the player back to square one.

Obamanopoly -- coming to a store near you this Christmas!

Top ten pickup lines for TSA agents

Lewrockwell.com points us to an article about distinguishing between pickup lines and security questions at the TSA inspection station. Quote:

I know that sometimes it's hard to tell but here's how to differentiate between some of the more popular ones I've heard:

Ma'am, you've set off the metal detector — no.
When you walk through the metal detector, you make my heart beep — yes. …

Shoes and Jackets off — no.
You can take a lot more off if you prefer — probably yes.

Oh please. Give us a break.

Dear readers, can't we come up with better ones than that? You bet your booties granny. Top ten TSA pickup lines:

You're taking a plane? I thought angels could fly without them.

If the smoke alarm goes off it's because you're so smokin' hot.

Here's a travel tip, you can find paradise in my apartment.

You're under arrest for stealing my heart.

You just scored a ten on the full body scanner.

We're about to hear an alarm, because my heart just caught fire.

Is your cell phone vibrating? Oh never mind, that's just my heart fluttering.

Uh, actually that is a gun in my pants, but I am happy to see you.

We may need a lie detector because your body is so unbelievable.

Let's turn the tables and you feel me up this time.

If you can't book a room here's my number. My parents are out of town this weekend.

I got your destination right here. (Thrust hips forward and point to crotch with both index fingers.)

OK, twelve not ten. Hey, just trying to be helpful.

Pistol packin' Granny

In the in-box this morning. (Thanks DS!)

It looks like a newspaper article all the way to the punch line.

It's one of those stories that's too good to verify. So good, in fact, that Snopes calls a variation of it a Legend.

Ag Sec Vilsack wants rain dance - Where's Elizabeth Warren when we need her?

ABC quotes Agriculture Secretary Vilsack, "If I had a rain prayer, or rain dance, I could do, I would do it."

Quick, Secretary Vilsack, if it's a rain dance you need, call Elizabeth Warren, AKA Fauxcahontes. She claims to be a light skinned 1/32 Cherokee, so if she dances hard enough she should at least be able to bring a light rain.

Hospital wall code decrypted

The new patient wing of the Midland Memorial Hospital isn't supposed to open until around the first of next year. However, they've stopped working on the North facade, and it's tempting to say that outside wall is complete even though the mismatched windows give it an unfinished look.

One of our crack dumpster divers here at Sleepless in Midland says the different window shadings aren't random at all but spell out a coded message. And just like the sculpture called Kryptos planted outside the CIA building, it challenges cryptanalysts to decipher it.

And by golly, she figured it out. It says,

"Your money
or your life!"

An alternate version says,

"Your money,
Michigan
or you life."

Although that one is a bit harder to fathom.

Mermaids aren't real? Dang. Just when we thought it would be fun to go back in the water.

NOAA makes it official: No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.

That news release was probably triggered by one of those fact/fiction TV shows that pop up on TV these days. This one on Animal Planet was called Mermaids - The Body Found. From Discovery.com:

Animal Planet’s Mermaids: the Body Found Paints a Wildly Convincing Picture of the Existence of Mermaids, What They May Look Like and Why They’ve Stayed Hidden…Until Now

Two-hour CGI Special Unravels Mysterious Underwater Sound Recordings, Dives Deep into the Aquatic Ape Theory and Questions if Mermaids are Related to People

Mermaids: The Body Found is the Culmination of Animal Planet’s First-Ever Monster Week, Airing May 21-28

There is a fair degree of gullibility in the population. Maybe the school system is to blame. Critical thinking isn't in the course of study -- people have to learn that on their own, but many don't. And if politics gets involved then look out below. Olly Stone and Michael Moore have certainly capitalized on that unfortunate phenomenon.

So the Discovery network took a stab it it. And someone at NOAA felt the need to step in and set the record straight. If only they would do that on global warming.

Funny Father's Day Cards

Found at listoftheday.blogspot.com.

Found at coolmaterial.com.

Found at thefw.com. Hey, here's a good idea for Mother's Day -- "Thanks for not aborting me."

And my favorite.

Found at Someecards.com.

Click the links for more.

And happy Father's Day to all you dads out there.

Left lane closed. No, your other left.

Left lane closed ahead.

No, your other left.

P.S. A snarky blogger might make a political joke right about now. Something like,

Shutting down the left is a shovel ready job, or

Government - the left hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing. No wait, it's the other way around.

But no. Here at Sleepless in Midland we're above that sort of thing.

Sarah Jessica Parker fund raising for Obama

Celebrity worshipers, get out your checkbooks. President Obama has scheduled another fundraiser with a star. This time it's Sarah Jessica Parker. And just like with the George Clooney party, commoners will have the opportunity to win an invitation with the purchase of a lottery ticket.

The president seems to have discovered something -- the hoi polloi will pay up to hobnob with the haut monde.

The strategy worked for him once, so it might work again. Sarah wants you to be there. Wear your best shoes.

Got Prom?

Get a load of the photos at The Best Of Prom 2012.

The best of the best: Number 7 titled Best Costume By A Father Who Doesn't Want You To Touch His Daughter. Runner up, number 15, Best Group Photo.

Via Newmarksdoor.

Baby names -- never mind the popular ones, let's look at the odd ones

The Social Security Admin issued a news release today announcing the top ten baby names for boys and girls in 2011. Jacob was the top boy's name with Mason coming in second. They speculate that "Mason" shot up to the number two spot because that's Kourtney Kardashian’s son's name. Here's hoping that Kardashian is a good role model. See the rest of the list at your leisure.

But now let's look at some unusual names. Maureen O'Connor at Gawker found them on Mommie blogs, and she added this enlightening note:

... people with cool names are actually cooler than the rest of us. I am certain of this because, as a young female with a lame old lady name, I am human evidence of the inverse of this principle.

Some of the best include Winter, Alarica, Zavy, Lilac, Hill, Inara, Kestrel, Sturm, and Poppyseed.

How about Winter Sturm?

Meanwhile, George Castanza's choice of Seven for a baby name still hasn't caught on.

Map of Europe as seen by Americans

A map of Europe in plain English. Or, as they call it, Europe According to Americans.

Via LipstickandLigature via BlameItOnTheVoices.

See also Europe According to the Swiss, the French and the British.

Hey, this a good opportunity to retell my favorite joke about international stereotypes:

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Hooker Vetting by Secret Service

Secret Service agents are notoriously pushy and particular regarding people trying to get a glimpse of the President, so it's almost certain that they had some sort of vetting process for the hookers they allegedly employed the other night in Cartegena, Columbia. As politicians pound their chests and get ready to throw the agents off the bus, maybe somewhere in all of this the agents' vetting process will become public. In the meantime, one of our ace reporters sniffed out what appears to be a used vetting form from a DC dumpster. As follows:

1. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

Answer: No.

2. Do you wish to cause any harm to the President of the United States?

Answer: No.

3. Have you ever tested positive for an STD?

Answer: No! What do you think I am?

4. Do you currently have any open sores?

Answer: None that you would notice.

5. Did you bring protection?

Answer: Yes. Of course.

6. Are you ticklish?

Answer: Yes. (Tee heh.)

7. Do you cater to any fetishes, and if so, which ones?

Answer: Yes. All of them.

8. Are those your real boobs?

Answer: Do they look real?

9. How much do you charge?

Answer: No habla a inglés.

Aha! There's the problem in number 9. There was a meeting of the flesh but no meeting of the minds.