Sleepless in Midland

Graffiti at Russian Embassy in London -- poisonous pen makes a funny point

In most cases graffiti is simple vandalism by people who can't really create anything. There are certainly some exceptions, though. Some of them are quite creative. And some make point: And here's an example of graffiti that makes a point and gets a laugh:

One would guess that the customer is expected to pay before the food arrives.

This comes to us by way of Dailystar.com in Novichokolate from Putin? Graffiti irony near Russian embassy tackles nerve attack.

Yum!

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5:33 AM 3/17/2018

Hilarious -- "Why Socialism Works" by Harrison Lievesley

This book supplied our quote of the week: In answer to the title question, "It doesn't."

Found at Carpe Diem, the blog by well known free market supporter Mark J. Perry, is this book recommendation: Why Socialism Works.

After scratching my head a few times, I had to see the Amazon page for it. The reviews gave it quite favorable ratings which furthered the mystery. But click the link to see inside. It's a joke! And a good one, too!

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2:27 PM 12/15/2017

New names for Lee High School -- some helpful suggestions

A local (Midland, Texas) petitioner is seeking a change of the name, Robert E. Lee High School, to something else. If you follow the news, you'll know why this is happening now. The newspaper article announcing the effort -- Midland ISD alumni behind petition for Lee name change -- doesn't suggest any new names. But have no fear, we are here to help.

First up: Robert Lee High School. No, not General Robert E. Lee but Robert Lee, the Asian-American ESPN announcer who got bounced from broadcasting a game because of his name. School groundskeepers could simply paint over the "E" where ever the school's full name appears.

Don't like that one? Here's another one: Clarence Thomas High School. He's a real hero who made it through Joe Biden's high tech lynch mob to become a Supreme Court Justice. And he's a good one! Oh, he's African American, so that should shut off many complaints.

Next up, Midland High School #2. There's already a Midland High School named after the city where it is situated. To keep the names absolutely neutral, start numbering them. Easy enough.

How about Caitlyn Jenner High School? Political correctness is all the rage these days. And attempts to pass bathroom bills get condemnation from all Democrats plus the heads of some of the largest corporations. So a transgender Olympian should shut them up, for a while.

But wait. If that's where we are going, Tona Brown High School. She was the first African American transgender to sing AND play a violin at Carnegie Hall. A twofer?

Moving along, the Rebel mascot would have to be replaced, too. For the new mascot I would recommend, The Facebooks. There probably isn't a student around who is not on Facebook. So why not name the mascot for their favorite forum?

Along those lines, maybe The iPhones might be just as appropriate, if not more so. At least the iPhone is a solid object rather than an internet portal. The students could hold up their iPhones when the team scores a touchdown, if teams are still allowed to score touchdowns. But that's a subject for another day. The PC police haven't shut down competitive sports yet, so there's still time to celebrate a victory.

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1:59 PM 8/24/2017

Maxine, I identify as a millennial today for the express purpose of encouraging you to run for president

She's quoted in Maxine Waters: I’ll Run For President If Millennials Want Me To:

WASHINGTON — California Democratic Rep. Maxine Waters, a favorite among liberal progressives, told The Daily Caller Thursday that this weekend’s scheduled appearance in New Hampshire has nothing to do with potentially running for president in 2020.

But she said that she would run for president if millennials want her to.

“I’m just going up to do a county Democratic thing. That’s all,” she said.

When TheDC pressed further, Waters, an outspoken critic of President Donald Trump, said laughing, “I’m not running for anything but my own seat. I don’t have any presidential aspirations. If the millennials want me to do it, I’d do it, though.”

In this age of identity politics, if anyone can pick his/her sex, then age should be an easy one. Today I identify as a millennial.

Although, Maxine Waters is joking about 2020 — but not about Trump. It wasn't as much a joke as it was a feeler. She's on a listening tour, just like Hillary Clinton's famous listening tours led her to believe voters wanted her.

Today I identify not only as a millennial but as a spokesperson for millennials. And in that capacity, I say, "Run, Maxine, run!"

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1:47 PM 7/21/2017

A day without women drivers

Heard on Fox News that the Day Without Immigrants wasn't much of a movement success, but it was enough to encourage feminists to want a Day Without Women. Does this mean a day without women drivers? I'm exited!

I drive an old vehicle. At almost 30 years old it should qualify as a classic, but it's just old, slow, and unintimidating. I joke to friends that it's a chick magnet, because gals are always honking at me. The last time was when I made a right turn onto a street a half block from a line of cars stopped at a red light. The light changed before I completed the turn, and some chick in an SUV sped up, got right on my tail, and leaned on her horn.

I got the message. She had the hots for me. I motioned for her to follow me and turned right at the next intersection. But I guess she got cold feet. Anyway, for a moment I was inspired to buy one of those rear window digital signs and have it ready to spell out, "Honk if you need a MAN" for those occasions.

Yeah, I know, she didn't want me, she wanted to dominate the road. I'm just grateful she didn't slam into me out of innate hostility. But let's set the rudeness aside and talk about another aspect of sharing the streets with women.

Men are generally afraid to talk about women drivers, else they be called sexist. It takes a fearless soul like Milo Yiannopoulos to go public with it. See ‘Femsteering,’ the crippling disability endangering our roads. Here's a sampling:

The phenomenon is known as “femsteering,” and it describes the almost total inability of any woman to competently operate an automobile. Though whispered about on men’s rights forums, in working men’s clubs and on the pages of tabloid newspapers for decades, this is the first time the trend has been discussed in the open in a serious publication. ...

Scientists are on the side of the men in this discussion, stating that men have one standard deviation higher spatial intelligence quotient than women and lower reaction times, which may explain the whites in pedestrians’ eyes when they discern a mop of blond hair in the car approaching them, and why no woman on the planet can merge lanes without having a minor meltdown.

So are they going to have that Day Without Women? Bring it on. It will be such a relaxing experience to drive that day.

Ann Coulter takes apart fake hate crimes -- offers tips to the hoaxers

There's a satirical article at Vdare.com which eviscerates the perps in some of those recent fake hate crimes. See Ann Coulter: Tips For Hate Crime Hoaxers.

Ms. Coulter acknowledges that in a country the size of the U.S., there is bound to be someone who actually does some of the things the hate crime hoaxers accuse them of. But given that those occurrences are so rare, she undertakes to give some much needed advice to the purveyors of the fake hate crime charges. To wit:

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 1: Don’t invent hate crimes that could form the opening of a Harlequin Romance.

Liberal girls always seem to be imagining strong, rough, Heathcliff-type white men demanding that they disrobe or become “sex slaves.

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 2: Don’t accuse white men of throwing things at you—even if it allows you to issue inspirational quotes, suitable for framing, like: “It’s going to take more than a brick to break me!”

... throwing things at people never really caught on with white men over the age of 6.

Hate Crime Hoaxer Tip No. 3: Don’t post your tale of victimology on Facebook if your father may read it, worry about you and call the police.

Hate crime hoaxers, I don’t think I need to tell you this, but you do NOT want a police investigation. ... A brick might not break you, but a police investigation will.

Well, it's all tongue in cheek, but it's a clever way to make a point that the hate crimes we keep hearing about more often than not turn out to be fake news.

Mansplaining Hotline -- what is your emergency?

Mansplaining Hotline, what is your emergency?

Female Caller: I would like to report a case of mansplaining.

MH: What happened?

FC: He started out interrogating me. He was all, "Why didn't you turn the light off when you left the room?" Then he went, "That light has been on all day."

MH: Go on.

FC: Then he started with the mansplaining: "I work hard to pay the bills around here. And electricity isn't cheap. We don't need to waste it by leaving the lights on all day. We've been over this a million times. Electric lights burn electricity whether you are in the room or not. And when you aren't in the room, you don't need the light. So when you leave the room turn off the G__ D___ lights!"

MH: Uh.

FC: Hell, I knew all that. He didn't need to explain it. That's mansplaining, right? Can you send the cops?

MH: Sorry ma'am, we're a union operation, and you have to be at work before we can help you. What you need is the Skinflint Husband Hotline -- they'll set you up with a good divorce lawyer who'll shake the coins out of that cheap bastard.

Midland needs a cartographer who can map the city's neighborhoods with accurate yet satirical labels

Map making used to be a profession that employed a lot of talented people in the energy exploration business. Maybe it still is, but a computer has probably replaced the drafting table, and technology has probably replaced the tools and labor involved in the practice.

In any event, there are probably some cartographers in town who could accomplish what someone did in Austin. Seems that some poor Austin city employee used an unauthorized map in a presentation and got put on admin leave for the effort. See Tolerant Austin, TX will not tolerate being made fun of. Check it out:

Midland needs a map like that -- a city map with labels that describe the people in those neighborhoods. After all, there's a universal tendency of people to congregate in communities and neighborhoods comprised of people like them. But forget ethnic labels -- that's so last century, and it's not worth the aggravation.

For starters, here are a few suggestions for neighborhood labels:

Old money
Wannabe ranchers
Cowboy boot camp
Industry bosses
Jet Rink land
Teacherville
The help
Roughneck country
Cookie cutters
Smart houses -- (smarter than the owners?)
Oil company camp town
Paid too much
Tomorrow land -- (the hanger where the Xcor mockup is stored)

Surely there is a draftsman who can produce something accurate enough to get a laugh. We'll show Austin how to take a joke.

Headlines The Onion hasn't thunk up yet --

- Woman with split personality despondent -- she proposed to other self after gay marriage ruling and other self said "no"

- Carolina beach shark attacks jump the shark

- Fourth of July is time of despair for descendants of Americans who were against the American Revolution -- protest canceled because of tea time conflict

- Lesbians form group called "Damaged Dykes" to help gay people find cake shops to sue

- Kid who lost finger in fireworks accident won ADA lawsuit against school to go barefoot in math class -- says "I never realized how much I counted on that finger"

Your mother's maiden name sound funny HA HA -- Top ten mocking emails from China about stolen data trove -- satire alert

Sleepless in Midland's crack hacker was able to purloin some emails out of the dumpster behind a federal government building this morning. And she found emails from individuals in China to U.S. government employees which appeared to be mocking them over contents of their personnel files.

Top ten mocking Chinese emails:

"Password1 -- good password. Don't change it."

"Your mother's maiden name sound funny. HA HA!"

"Town where you got married. That nice place?"

"Must be relief they not call you "queer" anymore."

"Thanks for all the technology."

"You named your first pet that? Ha ha! You silly!"

"New weapon you're working on? That's old technology."

"You give us Pentagon password, we erase that sexual harassment charge."

"You be first one fired when we take over U.S. Don't worry, you get Obamaphone."

"You elect Barack Obama twice. You make it too easy."

Meanwhile, it wouldn't be surprising to learn that OPM Director Katherine Archuleta is just biding her time at that office. After all, she paid the advance fee and is currently waiting for millions of dollars from the late Nigerian Finance Minister's widow who emailed asking for her help investing in the U.S.

transgender, transracial, inner beauty -- it's as though everyone is somebody else, including me

First we had transgender people, Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner, for example is the most attention getting example these days.

Then we find out there are transracial people, such as Rachel Dolezal, who were born in white bodies but who were actually black.

That leads me to believe there's something to that "inner beauty" that we keep hearing about. You know, what the girl has who someone wants you to go on a blind date with.

It's there all right. But not everyone can see it. That could have been the case with the female prison guard who is suspected of supplying the escaped killers with power tools. We don't know whether she broke any laws. But if the theories of seduction by inmate are true, they saw her inner beauty and provided the environment for it to transition to Bonnie Parker.

As for me, I'm trapped in a body that hides me from the real world. I'm handsome, tall, strong and athletic. But the world sees a frumpy guy who couldn't punch his way out of a paper bag, slouching in front of a computer screen, munching chips.

You people need to start showing some respect. We weren't all born in our real bodies, you know.

Safety rules for Russian Missilemen

I've referred to this short list of gun safety rules several times in the past. And it's always good to review them. But it's not just gun users who need this review, it's missilemen. The trigger man for the Russian missile that downed the Malaysian airliner the other day certainly didn't follow the rules. So let's help them out to try to avoid a "next time."

1. All missiles are always armed. Even if they aren't, treat them as if they are.

2. Never set your sites on anything you are not willing to destroy.

3. Keep your finger off the red button until you are locked on the target.

4. Identify your target and what is behind it. Never shoot at anything that you have not positively identified.

Clearly the missileman disobeyed rule #4. Let's be charitable and call this incident a negligent discharge. Vlad Putin needs to put in place some safety rules for his equipment. Let's impute a fifth rule:

5. If you're in charge of your nations missiles, before you turn them over to a rag tag trigger happy militia, at a minimum, make sure they know the safety rules. Give a quiz if you have to.

To help bring about a better tomorrow, and thanks to Bing translator, here are those five rules in Russian:

1. все ракеты всегда вооружены. Даже если они не, относиться к ним, как будто они являются.

2. никогда не задавать ваши сайты на все, что вы не готовы уничтожить.

3. Держите палец на красную кнопку до тех пор, пока вы заперты на цель.

4. Определите ваши цели и то, что позади него. Никогда не стрелять в то, что вы не определили положительно.

5. Если вы находитесь в заряда вашей Наций ракет, прежде чем включить их тряпку тег триггер счастливые милиции, как минимум, убедитесь, что они знают правила техники безопасности. Если вы должны дать викторина.

Be safe, not sorry. Know where your missile is going.

If she wanted something done, Michelle's plea to Bring back girls should be directed at Putin not Obama

Michelle Obama famously advertised her hashtag sign about the kidnapped Nigerian girls. But her message seemed to be aimed at her husband, and that demonstrated a bad case of misdirection. Just to be on the safe side, she had an underling make a *second sign for the only world leader who can throw his weight around without fear of hashtags:

Vladimir Putin was unavailable for comment.

*The second sign says "Bring back our girls" in Bing Translator Russian.

Quick tip -- advice for executioners re death penalty

A federal judge ripped executioners a new one in his dissent in a death penalty case because the pharmacy that whipped up the lethal dose of phenobarbital had no experience in that particular process. See US judge attacks states' lethal injection methods as 'high school chemistry' in which the judge asserted that the condemned's right to a pain free death might be violated.

So, with drug companies halting the production of lethal injection drugs, executioners are looking for alternatives. Don't even think about bringing back old sparky. If phenobarbital is too barbaric, the electric chair wouldn't stand a chance.

Here's the tip. Use carbon monoxide. It's lethal and painless. In fact, many innocent victims of CO exposure sleep through the whole experience. From what first had survivors say, you just go to sleep without even realizing what's happening. And if there is no intervention, death ensues.

It seems that when a person breathes in too much carbon dioxide, he/she gasps for breath and has the feeling of suffocation. But carbon monoxide has a different effect. The body is fooled into thinking its getting good air and doesn't realize what's happening. It's sleep, sleep, sleep, death - in that order.

Here's another tip.  They could use an ethanol fueled internal combustion engine to produce the carbon monoxide and save the planet at the same time!

Hey, I'm just trying to be helpful.

Careful what you wish for with the fix for income inequality

You don't have to look very far to find someone in the msm complaining about income inequality. "The rich get richer and the poor get poorer," is a popular refrain among the envious. In reality, during those phases of the economic cycle when the rich get richer the low income people generally do better, too. During bad time, both the rich and poor get hurt, but the rich generally have built a cushion that softens the blow during down times.

Anyway, someone using the name Jonathan Fast has penned a wonderful little satirical recipe for reducing inequality. Click Some Modest Proposals to Solve the Inequality Problem.

He notes three factors that have contributed to inequality: The 30 year stock market boom, globalization, and the two earner family. So what's the solution to inequality? Simple. Eliminate those three things. Cause the stock market to crash, get some trade tariffs and barriers to curtail global buying and selling, and put working women back in the kitchen. Hilarious.

Via Newmarksdoor.com.

Maybe they could use this idea to thin out the vipers in Washington

Here's the story: Two thousand mice dropped on Guam by parachute — to kill snakes.

The short version is that Guam is overrun with brown tree snakes which not only eat birds but get into electric substations causing expensive power failures. The idea was to parachute 2,000 mice pumped up with acetaminophen over Andersen Air Force Base. Their little parachutes would get hung up in the trees, the snakes would eat the mice, and the acetaminophen would kill the snakes.  Ingenious.

Yeah, yeah, I hear your complaints. The analogy is all wrong. Our lawmakers are more like ticks and tape worms than snakes.  I'm trying.  I'm trying.

Universal truths updated -- Doctor's Law

Old: Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
Via 16 Undeniable Universal Laws.

New: Doctor's Law -- If you are young and healthy you'll *avoid enrolling in Obamacare insurance and try to avoid the fine. If you are sick or need expensive care you'll grab it like a life preserver.

*When there aren't enough people paying the insurance premium to cover their health care costs, that's called "adverse selection," or to use a synonymous phrase more appropriate for Obamacare, death spiral.

 

How about those Washington Whiteskins?

The English language is constantly evolving, and words come in and go out of fashion all the time. But sometimes it isn't a natural pace, especially when the grievance committee fixates on a word they don't like. The current word in the bulls eye is "Redskins," as in Washington Redskins.

There are those who want to move the word "redskin" into "N" word status even though most people think the current usage as a team name is OK.

But, we can't stand in the way of progress, or to put a finer point on them, progressives. So let's come up with a new name for the Washington Redskins.

The name should be similar enough to Redskins so as not to confuse too many people, so we'll try to keep one of the syllables. Personally, I like "Whiteskins." White people are seen as the great oppressors, so maybe that's an intimidating enough image.

Or maybe just "Skins." Every male over a certain age was probably a "Shirt" or a "Skin" in some school yard game.

Perhaps a more appropriate name would simply be "Reds." The "Washington Reds." Yeah, that would work. The current administration has accelerated the nation's pace toward socialism, and although "Reds" is more closely associated with communism, it's close enough.

Anyway, here are a few more suggestions:

Washington Bureaucrats;
Washington Regulators;
Washington Tax Collectors;
Washington Bullies;
Washington Tape Worms;
Washington Goal Post Movers.

Editor's input: If the objective is to put fear into the hearts of opponents, why not name them the Washington Killer Robots? - Robo-ed.  | That'll happen soon enough, Robo. Let's not rush it. Meanwhile, Washington Spambots might fit. - Sleepless.

Editor's second input: Krauthammer wrote a post dated 10/17/13 that said some of the same things you did. Is he stealing your ideas? - Robo-ed. |  Well, I doubt if Karuthammer reads this blog, so maybe the points and analogies were so obvious anyone could come up with them. - Sleepless.

NSA Flix: Netflix for Private Information

Nothing's private anymore anyway. So instead of only NSA listening in on our conversations, anyone can listen in. But only if they subscribe -- the money can be used to hire more contractors.

Watch the new NSA commercial here. "The NSA has decided to launch a new, exciting product that the entire family can enjoy. Cancel your Netflix subscription now and demand NSA Flix."

Via Presurfer.

Give Lois Lerner a break -- don't subject her to the cruel and intrusive treatment she inflicted on others

Lois Lerner took the Fifth while she was in the hot seat in front of an inquisitive House committee. They were looking into irregularities of the IRS in its aggressive treatment of Tea Party groups, and no doubt they would have subjected her to some very severe questioning.

Now some are trying to say she waived her right to take the Fifth. Well, I say let her take it. To subject her to the intrusive and belittling interrogation is exactly what she did to the Tea Party groups. The President wants us to believe she acted on her own. Maybe she did, maybe she didn't. But subjecting her to the same sort of treatment she dished out to the Tea Party applicants is such a harsh measure that no one should have to endure that.

Sure, what she did was despicable. And to inflict that on anyone is abhorrent in a free society. But we do not tolerate eye-for-an-eye retaliation. Cruel and unusual punishment is prohibited. And to subject her to the same treatment is like saying we should waterboard the waterboarders.

So fire her, send her to jail, whatever. But for heaven's sake, don't perform on her the same torture she performed on her victims. That's not who we are.

Amnesty for Americans of European descent

In an extraordinary act of magnanimity, Professor Walter E. Williams has granted an amnesty and pardon to Americans of European descent.

And it's in the form of a printable certificate!

Click to enlarge.

Thanks Dr. Williams. I'll print two -- one to put on the wall and one to keep with my voter ID.

Via Carpe Diem.

Nomophobia -- anxiety caused by no cell signal

Americans are riddled with modern-day afflictions, and new ones come along all the time.

Smart phones were bound to cause a few.  And how we have Nomophobia, or “no mobile phone phobia.” Symptoms include:

obsessive checking, constant worrying about losing it even when it's in a safe place, and never turning it off. According to a recent study from mobile tech company SecurEnvoy, people check their phones 34 times a day on average—and 75% of people surveyed say they take their phones to the bathroom. And nomophobia is apparently on the rise, with 66% of us meeting the criteria for the condition—up from 53% four years ago.

The iZombie in his natural state typically stands in one spot staring at his communication device. Take it away and he's overwhelmed with anxiety, paces about his cage, doesn't eat, looks at the device several time a minute. Once it's returned he resumes the typical iZombie state as if nothing had happened.

Village of the Damned plays high school football

Maybe someone who follows West Texas high school football knows the story behind this. Take a look at these two photos from the Midland Reporter-Telegram issues of 11/24/12 and 11/26/12. Notice anything unusual about the players?

All of those young men seem to be sporting blond hair. Is that a coincidence? The odds are against it being a natural phenomenon.

They are identified as Greenwood High School football players, but they look like adolescent kids from the Village of the Damned, minus the scary eyes.

Maybe their mothers were impregnated by one of those fertility doctors who used blond sperm to impregnate his patients. But that's even more unlikely.

Perhaps the boys bleached their hair to intimidate their opponents.  Gorgeous George would be proud.

What they need now is a good Haka dance to really intimidate their opponents, perhaps to the tune of a Beach Boys song. Or they could just use their Village of the Damned powers to cause turnovers. Either way.

[How did you miss Bleach Boys?  Robo-ed.]

Definitions to help us understanding progressive words and phrases

President Obama is fond of made-up words to deride the man who plans to replace him in the White House. Words like Romnesia. That word doesn't means what Mr. Obama thinks it means. Here's the real meaning: A condition of desperation resulting from looking in your rear view mirror and not seeing your opponent.

This might be a good time to pull up some definitions of the key terms used by Progressive American. Cliff Asness wrote them, and you can see the whole list at the link below. Here are a few to get us started.

Regular Americans
Definition: People who support me.

Special Interests
Definition: People who support you.

The Phrase “Deny Access to…”
Used in a sentence: “It is unfair to deny access to healthcare to 26 year olds living off their parents.”
Definition: When a person isn’t given something they want for free, and they have not found a way to steal it yet, they have been “denied access” to it. In general it is the “1%” that “denies access.” See “1%” below.

The 1%
Definition: Those who pay more than 1/3 the total federal income tax and are never thanked for it. More generally, they are responsible for all evil in the world today (unless they work in Hollywood or hi-tech in which case they are “honorary 99%-ers” regardless of income, tax rate, and lifestyle).

Universal Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as single payer.

Single payer Health Care
Definition: The system formerly known as socialized medicine.

Socialized Medicine
Definition: Something Democrats claim they don’t want, as they simply want Universal Health Care.

See the whole list at Zerohedge.com.

Found here.

How to give foreign aid

There's a satirical piece on how to give aid to Nigeria and Nigerians titled How to Give Foreign Aid which really hammers a nail that needs hammering.

The implication is that guilt is the predominant motivator of the giver. Here's an excerpt:

Sometimes you must ignore the small negatives so you can focus on the big picture. The government is corrupt. You know they are stealing half of the aid money that comes in, but what do wicked critics want you to do? Leave and let Nigeria perish? Your conscience will not allow you to do that. After you have pushed the aid out your door, (people don’t realize but this is hard work too), it will be wicked of anyone to expect you to be held responsible for how every penny is used.

I see your good foreign heart. I know that little by little you will save the third world from self-destruction, disease and poverty. I am not sure how, but I feel it. I feel it the way a wife knows her husband is cheating even when she can’t find the evidence yet- wives know these things.

And come to think about it, this could apply to domestic do-gooders as well.

Radioactive rods do it deeper

We all know by now that a Halliburton work crew lost a radioactive rod somewhere in the deserts of West Texas. It must not have represented too much of a threat, otherwise some of the many available resources would have been deployed, such as airborne pipeline leak detectors and sniffer drones.

The rod turned up along side of a road between job sites, but it certainly took long enough to find. With newspapers as far away as Britain's Guardian reporting about it it was time to put the Sleepless investigative reporters on the case. And they came back with some reasonable theories about what might have happened to the rod in the interim:

1. Driver used it to warm up his day old Bold Pick of the Day.

2. Wanted to sell it in Iran but TomTom took them to Iraan.

3. Got frightened by news reports and used it as West Nile mosquito repellent.

4. Used it as a glow stick at Cirque Chinois show.

5. Used it to charge a dead truck battery but truck melted.

6. Tried to sell it to Mexican drug cartel but were told, "No mas! No mas! Fast and Furious! No mas!"

Top ten pickup lines for TSA agents

Lewrockwell.com points us to an article about distinguishing between pickup lines and security questions at the TSA inspection station. Quote:

I know that sometimes it's hard to tell but here's how to differentiate between some of the more popular ones I've heard:

Ma'am, you've set off the metal detector — no.
When you walk through the metal detector, you make my heart beep — yes. …

Shoes and Jackets off — no.
You can take a lot more off if you prefer — probably yes.

Oh please. Give us a break.

Dear readers, can't we come up with better ones than that? You bet your booties granny. Top ten TSA pickup lines:

You're taking a plane? I thought angels could fly without them.

If the smoke alarm goes off it's because you're so smokin' hot.

Here's a travel tip, you can find paradise in my apartment.

You're under arrest for stealing my heart.

You just scored a ten on the full body scanner.

We're about to hear an alarm, because my heart just caught fire.

Is your cell phone vibrating? Oh never mind, that's just my heart fluttering.

Uh, actually that is a gun in my pants, but I am happy to see you.

We may need a lie detector because your body is so unbelievable.

Let's turn the tables and you feel me up this time.

If you can't book a room here's my number. My parents are out of town this weekend.

I got your destination right here. (Thrust hips forward and point to crotch with both index fingers.)

OK, twelve not ten. Hey, just trying to be helpful.

Hooker Vetting by Secret Service

Secret Service agents are notoriously pushy and particular regarding people trying to get a glimpse of the President, so it's almost certain that they had some sort of vetting process for the hookers they allegedly employed the other night in Cartegena, Columbia. As politicians pound their chests and get ready to throw the agents off the bus, maybe somewhere in all of this the agents' vetting process will become public. In the meantime, one of our ace reporters sniffed out what appears to be a used vetting form from a DC dumpster. As follows:

1. Are you now or have you ever been a member of the Communist Party?

Answer: No.

2. Do you wish to cause any harm to the President of the United States?

Answer: No.

3. Have you ever tested positive for an STD?

Answer: No! What do you think I am?

4. Do you currently have any open sores?

Answer: None that you would notice.

5. Did you bring protection?

Answer: Yes. Of course.

6. Are you ticklish?

Answer: Yes. (Tee heh.)

7. Do you cater to any fetishes, and if so, which ones?

Answer: Yes. All of them.

8. Are those your real boobs?

Answer: Do they look real?

9. How much do you charge?

Answer: No habla a inglés.

Aha! There's the problem in number 9. There was a meeting of the flesh but no meeting of the minds.

Fighting French bashing -- when a complainer runs out of complaints

Western nations have their share of grievance industries that swarm to high profile incidents to whip up emotions, get headlines, and collect money. The Zimmerman/Martin incident is a good example. And someday, not today, not tomorrow, but someday the leaders of the grievance industry will call for a riot and no one will show up.

What brings this to mind was an accidental landing at miquelon.org, a website dedicated to fighting French bashing.

[Miquelon itself is a tiny island off Newfoundland. Miquelon and another little island are the last remaining French territories.]

But it must be hard to find a good case of French bashing these days. The best this culture warrior can come up with is jokes about surrendering and an attack ad against Mitt Romney showing video of Romney speaking French -- Sacre bleu!

Meanwhile the site has gone dormant until June while the proprietor campaigns for French Expatriates.

It's all getting a bit too tiresome. Think I'll go get a Royale with cheese, some freedom fries, and a box of California Cabernet.

Imagining President Obama's Imaginary Son

President Obama weighed in on the Zimmerman/Martin incident recently by exclaiming that Trayvon Martin would look like his own son, if he had a son. Quote:

“If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon,” Obama said. “When I think about this boy, I think about my own kids.”

The world probably has its share of dads of daughters who wished for a son. And in some regimes, particularly China with its one child policy, moms and dads make don't take random chance.

With two daughters and no sons, President Obama is the odd man out at the dinner table. It's sit com territory, and the daughters and mom probably share a bond that never has and never will include Barack. So his wistful longing for a son should invoke some small amount of sympathy.

Sleepless in Midland wants to help. With the tools at PhotoFunia.com we apply Barry's smiling visage from the Whitehouse flickr site, where the wonderful photos of Pete Souza grace the pages, and put the President in a hoodie.

And there, through the wonder of the internet, is Barack Obama's imaginary son, a son with whom he can spend some quality time after he moves out of the White House in early 2013. Just imagine the fun they will have together.

UPDATED 4/3/12. First Lady Michelle Obama suffers the same anxiety but compensates in a different way:

"Bo is wonderful. He is the smartest dog on the planet. He is my son. I have two girls and a boy."

Emphasis added. Source.