Sleepless in Midland

How to tell if your airline pilot has cracked up

The JetBlue pilot running up and down the aisle must have been a frightening thing for the passengers to witness. That's a scene none of us want to see first hand. So as a public service, we here at Sleepless in Midland would like to help future passengers size up the situation and determine ahead of time whether their pilot is crazy.

Top ten signs your pilot has lost it:

1. Pilot says, "If the TSA didn't grope you, please grope yourself prior to takeoff."

2. You get a glimpse of a manuscript he is writing, and all it says is "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy," over and over, page after page.

3. Pilot says, "It's OK to turn on your electrical devices during take off and landing. I don't care!"

4. Pilot says, "Hey folks I'm going to hit the eject button. You all brought your parachutes, didn't you?"

5. You overhear him asking a soldier if he can borrow some C-4 to take home for Christmas.

6. Pilot says, "Having a nice trip? I sure am. LSD with coffee is one heck of a flight prep. Whoa, look at that cloud!"

7. through 10. Pilot says, "Can't talk ... 300 pound man ... sitting on me."

Marriage advice for people who marry dead people

Not everyone would want to marry a dead person. But it happens. This one took place last January in Thailand. See Surin Man Married His Dead Girlfriend:

After having been through thick and thin with Sarinya for over a decade, Deff stood by his promise and married her in a bittersweet ceremony.

"Bittersweet." Shouldn't that be "sweet and sour?"

Moving right along, it's off to Paris. Woman to wed slain French soldier posthumously --  the soldier was murdered, and his pregnant girlfriend still wants to tie the knot:

Such ceremonies are unusual but not unheard of in France, where the law allow posthumous marriages in cases where a fiance dies before the wedding. The law states that such weddings can only be approved by the French president "in grave circumstances."

Being internet busy bodies, don't we have a duty to give them advice? Of course we do. Here goes:

Don't get angry when your spouse won't do chores.

Be tolerant of body odor.

Don't get frisky until after the embalming.

Don't assume that just because they are deceased you can marry a second spouse. Get proper legal advice first.

Thank them for not nagging.

Finally and most importantly, apply for spouse's death benefits.

Congratulations, til death do you part.

As for Woman plans to marry partially demolished warehouse in gay marriage ceremony, now that's just plain weird. Stick with the intact warehouses.

A surreptitious peak at Clint Eastwood reality show transcript -- satire alert

Sleepless in Midland's ace reporter was dumpster diving in a posh Carmel neighborhood and found a discarded transcript from the new Clint Eastwood reality show. As follows:

Producer: OK everyone, thanks to the hospitality of the Eastwood family we just started filming our new reality show right here in their home.

Clint Eastwood: (Whisper whisper whisper.)

Producer: Huh?

Clint Eastwood: (Whisper whisper whisper.)

Clint's wife: Clint honey, you have to speak up.

Clint: (Whisper whisper whisper.)

Co-producer: I'm sorry, I can't hear a word he's saying. Mic him up.

Producer: He's already mic-ed up. Haven't you seen any of his movies? All he ever does is whisper. That's as loud as he gets.

Clint: (Whisper whisper whisper.)

Co-producer: Dammit. This won't work. We need some personality.

Producer: Relax. We only need his name. The only reason we're here is because the wife is  trying to promote a band.  We'll slip in a Kardashian from time to time to keep the viewers tuned in. After all, it ain’t Shakespeare, it's reality.

Respecting cultures -- Leprechauns are not 2nd class citizens

It's time to end the prejudice. It hurts those to whom it's directed. And it's wrong.

A Message From A Leprechaun Advocacy Group. Excerpt:

I’m addressing you on behalf of “Li’l Lucky Ones,” which is a non-profit group that helps raise awareness of Leprechauns and their plight. Treating Leprechauns right and respecting their culture is particularly important this St. Patty’s Day season. ...

So what do you really need to know about leprechauns and why should you care?

You should care because if you don’t, they will inevitably find a way to spite you. That’s what they’re good at. In fact, some Irish historians claim that the great potato famine was the result of a vengeful clan of leprechauns destroying crops all over the countryside.

Leprechauns are people too, and we should end the stereotyping, except when the stereotypes happens to be true.

Hushing Rush

The big brew-ha-ha of last week is still smoldering as the perennially aggrieved feign their outrage. The issue developed over Rush Limbaugh's verbal treatment of law student Sandra Fluke for her Congressional testimony complaining that the government should pay for her contraceptives. The whole scene was ripe with jokes waiting to be released into the world. Limbaugh obliged, and the atmosphere exploded with complaints.

Don Imus springs to mind. Recall how he let loose with an ill placed joke, and as a result of the grievance industry's barrage of complaints, MSNBC viewers got stuck with "Morning Joe."

So now the professional complainers have targeted Rush Limbaugh's sponsors with demands that they abort. And apparently some sponsors have stopped advertising on his show. That's a tell. The ultimate goal of the grievance industry isn't to get an apology but to shut him up.

Limbaugh has an audience that sees this for what it is and aren't likely to be dissuaded. So what liberals need to do is buy him out. Pay him to shut up. With an annualized take of $37 million a year it's going to take a lot. Enter George Soros.

Soros has invested big bucks in Democrats for a long time. And during the Reagan administration he was asked hypothetically in an interview if he would commit his entire wealth toward his political goals. He thought for a few seconds and said he would but only if there were guaranteed results. So we know what he wants and what he's willing to pay. The issue is the guarantee.

Soros is supposedly worth $14.5 billion. By comparison Limbaugh's $37 million a year is chicken feed. At that rate Limbaugh would need to work almost 400 years to catch up.

Limbaugh probably has a price he would take to shut up which would certainly have to be in the billions. They just need to haggle a little bit.

So Limbaugh haters, there's the answer to your problem. Now don't be stingy.

Oh oh oh Obama, you take such a great photo

It's been a while since we've done this. And now that Mr. Obama's own campaign is flouting his rule regarding Pete Souza's official White House photos (via Instapundit), it's high time we did it again.

Previously:
Those White House Photos were begging for captions,
President Obama's rose colored glasses and
Obama and a cute little baby.

Foot wear for sinking ships

Land lovers stared in amazement at the photos of the Costa Concordia reclining on its side in shallow waters. And the question in our minds was, "What should I pack for my next ship cruise?"

Answer: Floating shoes.

Not long ago we talked about the mystery, now solved, of the human feet that washed ashore on the coast of the Pacific Northwest. Link. Seems that the feet belonged to suicide jumpers. As a submerged body deteriorates the joints begin to come apart. And feet in sneakers that float might eventually make it to shore.

So floating shoes are a ship board must. That way the descendants might have an easier time collecting the life insurance in case they can't find a body right away. It's for the children.

One more thing. It's best to head off any problems early on, so ask to see the captain's driver's license. And make sure it's good for "ships." If he can parallel park a ship, then you might be OK.

Keep the enemy out of captured drones with Torx screws

It was inevitable that a U.S. drone would land in the the wrong hands. And if the drone builders haven't already taken measures to secure any secrets inside, here's what they should start doing.

Screw it together with Torx screws. Torx screws were the brain child of some meddling mechanic who must have thought Phillips screws weren't bad enough.

They take a special screwdriver designed just for them. And they are sneaky. If you don't squint they look like Phillips head screws. But use a Phillips screwdriver and it grinds down the heads making them impossible to remove.

So the Iranian rocket scientist starts trying to unscrew the thing with a Phillips screwdriver and ends up locking it even tighter.  Absolutely spy-licious.

And put some stink bombs in them just in case they do get one open. That'll teach 'em to mess with our toys.

Added later.You may think that was silly, but consider this. Fox News reported that the captured drone had a self destruct device on board. However, President Obama elected not to activate it.  Whether we like it or not, the guys on the assembly line and those crazy screw heads may be our last line of defense.

If your clothes smell fresh, you are using too much water

Sleepless in Midland's highest paid reporter was scrounging for breakfast in the dumpster near city hall this morning when she discovered a discarded memo from the Colorado River Authorization Protocol to the mayor. Since it was in the garbage we can assume it's public information. So here it is in full:

To: Mayor, City of Midland
From: Colorado River Authorization Protocol
Date: September 27, 2011

Re: Midland is using too much water

The drought situation has us all concerned, and some of you have been using too much water. In that regard, we would like to offer suggestions for some new rules to help you get your citizens in line, as follows.

If your clothes smell fresh, you are using too much water. If you raise public awareness that body odor is OK people will quit wasting water washing clothes. Failing that, you could purchase trained dogs for your Code Enforcers to sniff crowds at the mall and other public gatherings for citations and fines.

Furthermore, citizens should end their use of showers and minimize their use of bath tubs. One tub of water per week should be sufficient for a family of four in the summer. One tub per month in the winter.

In California some years back there was a popular slogan regarding flushing toilets. "If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." We are definitely opposed to that. All toilet flushing should be illegal. And we propose a new slogan:

"If it's yellow, water the flowers. If it brown, bury it in the ground."

Young people are always looking for unique phrases, and we believe this slogan should catch on quickly.

We feel that these proposals will result in significant water conservation. And if your citizens don't comply we will simply shut off your water.

We're from the government, and we're CRAP.

And there you have it. Straight from the dumpster to your monitor.

Stick a Mosque in it

Our city government here in Midland, Texas, bends over backwards to help out Christian organizations. They close streets for the Catholic Church. They transform an entire neighborhood for a Christian school. And they shell out taxpayer money for a Christian rock concert. The excuse for that last one was that tourist dollars would come pouring in.

Sure, there's the church/state issue, but there also appears to be a case of favoritism. Only Christians seem to be the beneficiaries of the government benevolence. But our elected officials aren't dummies. Surely they've considered the possibility that some other religion might want equal treatment.

So the old, empty courthouse comes to mind. It's county property, not city, and the county hasn't demonstrated the religious fervor the city council has, but its still unused government property up for the asking. And the county just might like to get ahead of the issue.

What to do with the old courthouse? Turn it into a mosque.

I don't know what it takes to make a mosque, but there's probably enough of a building there to qualify.

But wait, why not put the ground zero mosque there, too? That would solve all sorts of problems for the heroes in New York.

And think of the possibilities. The Mecca of Midland. A Rockin' with Ramadan Concert. The tourist dollars would come pouring in!